


Wait Till You Have Kids

by coldrottingtrees



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 09, Angst, BAMF Castiel, Canon Compliant, Coda, Depressed Dean, Destiel - Freeform, Dragons, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Horror, Human Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Men of Letters Headquarters, POV Charlie Bradbury, POV Dean Winchester, POV Kevin Tran, Purgatory, Season 9, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-29 01:37:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 34,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldrottingtrees/pseuds/coldrottingtrees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean discovers that there are monsters who call him kin, too... and has to answer the question, which side is he really on?</p><p>This is a Dean-centric fanfic I started mostly out of the desire to try to fill in gaps where I kind of wish the show had gone. Those include addressing Dean’s depression/suicidal tendencies, and expanding upon Dean’s feelings/relationship with Cas (in a way that hopefully still feels like canon). Also bringing back some past plot lines, such as Dean having been a vampire once, Purgatory, the Alpha Vampire, and Benny. </p><p>This is my experiment in trying to write something that feels like a canon episode (or series of episodes, at this point) of the show. </p><p>I started this fic shortly after 9x01 aired intending it to fit somewhere in the season 9 timeline. Now that we've reached ep 9x09, I can say that this fits right at the 9x08 mark as far as chronology goes, in an AU where Charlie is still around/came back, etc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this was sort of inspired by a tweet made by Adam Glass and some ensuing fandom debate on the desire for Dean to get some plot of his own. So I decided to write something completely Dean-centric and plotty from one of the tweets itself, lol. The title of this story is a quote from one of his tweets. This was not meant to be snarky or mean toward Mr. Glass, I like him and I love Supernatural and I think he does great work. I just thought it'd be interesting to take a line used to explain why Dean wasn't getting plot of his own, and turn it into an entire Dean arc.

It started with a restless feeling in his limbs that he couldn’t drink or fidget away. He’d already switched from his flask to drinking directly from the bottle, and had worked his way through almost half a fifth of whiskey. He paced through the bunker, back and forth like a caged animal, and he didn’t even know why.

Sam, Charlie, and Kevin were in the computer room working. Talking about things Dean didn’t understand, didn’t care about. Okay, so maybe it made him feel a little old, maybe even a little useless and stupid, but whatever.

The three of them, they really sounded like Men and Women of Letters in there. Dean, he was just a grunt. He’d been telling Sam that from Day-fucking-One.

Whatever.

Dean took another swig of whiskey and headed to his room to lay down. His head settled into the pillow, his body sank into the familiar curves of memory foam, and his eyes snapped shut.

_Trees._

_A peaceful garden._

_Blood._

_Go East._

_Walking through a peaceful garden, Dean felt at home here. This was home._

_Flowing blood. Awareness of his own pulse in his neck._

_Go East._

_A map. The roads became veins, pulsing with bright red blood. He recognized this city, he knew where this was, how to get there. This was home, this was the garden. His blood pulled him toward this._

_Come home._

_You are_ needed.

Dean jolted awake in a cold sweat, his heart pounding frantically. He pushed his palm against his chest and could feel his heart beating. Something about it mesmerized him for a moment and his eyes went glassy. His awareness narrowed down to a knife-point focus, and the sound of his heart roared up in his ears and drowned out the world around him. Memories washed over him then, of a time when he’d been able to hear and physically feel a person’s beating heart this strongly from across a room.

Dean staggered out of bed and tried to get the thoughts out of his head. He went to the bathroom, turned on the tap, and splashed some cold water on his face. And then, ridiculously, checked his gums. No extra teeth. He gave a sigh of relief and laughed at his own paranoid stupidity, and then went back to his room to get another swig of whiskey.

The whiskey was warm and comforting going down his throat, _like blood,_ whispered something inside, making Dean’s breath hitch and chest tighten. He put the bottle down.

“Alright, Dean, time to think,” Dean said to himself. “There’s two possibilities here. One, there’s something monstery trying to lure me out. Two, I’m losing my mind.”

Dean stopped, considered.

“Should I involve anybody else in this?”

He thought about Sam, Charlie, and Kevin out in the computer room.

“I mean, this is probably a vamp if it’s anything. And I know how to deal with vamps on my own. And they’ve got their own thing they’re dealing with right now. That computer thing. I can’t help with that. I’m sitting here useless. I can go do a hunt while they do their thing. I go do what I’m good at while they do what they’re good at. Sounds good to me.”

Dean gave himself an approving nod, then grabbed a jacket and strode out of his room. He didn’t bother announcing that he was heading out. He’d just call from the road.

 

* * *

Dean was distracted by thoughts of roads like arteries, pumping cars and trucks, people and cargo down the interstate. And then the trees became branching veins, and he could imagine their roots mirrored beneath the earth, water flowing in them like blood. He felt his pulse throb in his neck, and the map pointing the way home flashed in his memory again. He could see the rivers etched across the terrain, and they looked like veins.

Dean shook his head and turned up his music.

The trip took him far across the country. He drove intuitively, without giving much thought to what road he was on or what state he was currently in. He just _flowed_ from one interstate to the next, occasionally pit-stopping. He was just thinking about stopping to get a hotel room when his phone rang.

_Sam._

Dean held the phone in his lap in one hand while he continued to steer with the other. He glanced down at the name on the screen as it rang.

_Sam._

Dean sighed heavily, then answered the call.

“Yeah.”

“Dean, where’re you at?”

“You nerds’re doing your thing, so I went out.”

“Oh. Okay, well, just wanted to let you know, seems like we’re making some progress on the computer.”

“Awesome.”

“Yeah. Okay, well, talk to you later, man,” Sam said, in that tone that Dean knew meant, “you could continue this conversation if you wanted to, Dean.”

“Yep, talk to ya later, Sammy,” Dean said, and hung up.

 _I don’t need a hotel,_ Dean decided, feeling a renewed surge of determination. He kept driving.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean had left the bunker in the late afternoon and drove all through the night, making only occasional stops for gas and snacks. It was now mid-morning the next day, and he was deep in the forested heart of Pennsylvania. He drove with the windows down, enjoying the hot, late summer air cooled by shade trees and the rush of speed. He turned the music up loud to hear it over the rushing air. It was a rare pleasure - Sam usually disliked driving with the windows down and the music this loud. 

Once he’d gotten off I-80 and had started making more complex driving decisions “automatically,” he’d started getting a little spooked by himself. It was making his skin crawl and yet the closer he got, the easier and more natural it seemed to feel, like maybe he could get used to it after all. 

He turned into a long driveway lined with weeping willow trees. A deep sense of serenity settled into his chest and he suddenly ached to just stay in these woods for a very long time. He felt it like pain, the desire to stay here, as if it was a threat that this garden could be taken away. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind. 

He reached a tall metal gate with a keypad entry, and automatically reached out and dialed a number. He didn’t even mentally know what number he was dialing, his finger just seemed to know what pattern to jab out. 

The gate swung open, and Dean drove inside.

* * *  


Charlie woke up at 11 am, which was a little later than her usual time since she’d stayed up late working on the Super Computer, but she was also just not a morning person in general. She did a quick series of Wonder Woman power stretches she’d invented first thing (spending time around the Winchesters had made her very conscious of the need to get into fighting shape), and then headed out to the kitchen to look for something for breakfast. 

Kevin was in the main hall, reading a book.

“Hey, Kev,” Charlie smiled.

“Hey, Charlie,” he said, waving without looking up. 

“Is Sam up?”

“Yeah, he’s in the computer room.”

Charlie decided to detour to the computer room first before going for breakfast, curious if Sam was making any new progress on the computer since last night. 

“Hey, Sam--”

“Charlie, come here,” Sam whispered urgently.

Charlie rushed over as Sam pointed at an oddly flickering bulb on the map in the computer room.

“This code it’s flashing out? It’s for Alpha Vampire.”

Charlie blinked up at Sam and then chuckled nervously. “What does that mean? Alpha? I guess that’s really bad, huh?”

“The first one. He created every other vampire on Earth.”

“Super bad,” Charlie exhaled.

“Dean didn’t come back to the bunker last night,” Sam whispered, his eyes ghosting over to an open laptop sitting on a chair next to the table map. Charlie looked over to it as well. It showed a GPS tracking website. 

“Wait, he didn’t, are you saying he--”

“I think he’s going after the Alpha and he didn’t tell us.”

“Why would he do that?” Charlie demanded, starting to feel a little panicked. This was making no sense and she didn’t like it when things made no logical sense.

“I don’t know, I’m not sure yet. All I do know is, we can’t let him do this by himself. He’s there, now, and he can’t face this thing alone. We’ve got to get out there and --” Sam cut short, clutching his chest in both hands.

“Sam?” Charlie said, a little shrill with anxiety.

Sam relaxed very suddenly and regarded Charlie with a calm, serious gaze. 

“Are you...?” she prompted. 

He nodded. “Yes, let us find your friend Kevin,” Ezekiel said, “and then we shall discuss how the two of you shall attempt to aid Dean Winchester.”

“The, the _two_ of us?” Charlie sputtered, following Ezekiel out of the computer room. “And, um, main hall.”

“Kevin Tran, we are in dire need of your assistance, it is a matter of great urgency,” Ezekiel said, striding across the main hall to come up beside him. 

Kevin closed his book and looked up, first at Ezekiel and then at Charlie, his eyes weary. 

“What’s going on this time?” he said.

“Dean Winchester, he is in the presence of the Alpha vampire, we know not how or why. The two of you must render him aid. He cannot possibly defeat so powerful a foe on his own.”

“Ezekiel,” Kevin said, and Charlie admired how reasonable he was still managing to sound, “you cannot possibly think that the two of _us_ are actually able to take on an Alpha _anything,_ can you? No offense, Charlie.”

“None taken,” Charlie said emphatically, waggling her hands about for emphasis.

“Charlie and I, we aren’t hunters. She’s a hacker and I’m a prophet. You’re currently possessing the best shot Dean’s got right now.”

“And I am possessing him because he needed me to step in and provide immediate restoration. He still has intermittent health failures. I fear he is not physically ready to leave the safety of this haven. It _must_ be you two. Have faith.”

Kevin barked out a sharp laugh at that.

"Can you give us any pointers on how to take out an Alpha vampire?” Charlie asked weakly.


	3. Chapter 3

The long driveway wound its way through trees so thick that when the mansion suddenly broke into view it momentarily took Dean’s breath away. Dean pulled just off the driveway, the impala’s tires crunching off the pavement into the unmanicured forest floor of twigs and leaves, and cut the engine.

“It knows you’re here,” he whispered to himself. “Can’t just walk into this blind, Dean, come on, think. Game plan. It’s already got home field advantage. Can’t just keep handing it things like this, man.”

Dean huffed a deep breath and gripped the impala’s steering wheel tightly, grounding himself.

“Okay.”

He heaved himself out of the car and went to the trunk to gear up.

 

* * *

Charlie looked over at Kevin, who was driving. It was an 18 hour drive from the bunker to where the Super Computer had estimated the location of the Alpha vampire. Kevin had offered to take the first of what would probably be several broken up shifts of driving.

He’d given Charlie free reign over the music. Major bonus points.

“So… being a prophet,” Charlie said, feeling strangely nervous. “What’s that like?”

“It sucks,” Kevin said flatly.

Charlie chuckled.

“Being friends with Sam and Dean,” Kevin said, looking over at Charlie for a moment before looking back at the road, “what’s that like?”

Charlie blinked at Kevin. “Well… I mean… you’re their friend too, Kevin,” she said, confused. “Right?”

“I’m something useful to them,” Kevin said, a little bitter, but mostly just matter of fact. “And things the Winchesters use don’t last long.”

Charlie stared at Kevin, horrified. His black eyes were fierce and looked so much older than his real age. Dean always dismissively called Kevin things like “mathlete” and “AP,” but really, Charlie saw a warrior when she looked at Kevin.

“I think you’re really brave, and I think you’re definitely the person who can help Dean right now,” Charlie said, suddenly feeling a lot better about this whole thing.

Kevin looked over at Charlie again, baffled. “What?”

“Yeah,” Charlie smiled, with a nod. “Yeah, you can do this, Kevin. I’ll try to do my best to help you.”

Kevin swallowed and looked a little pale and put his eyes back on the road.

“Where the hell did that come from?” he croaked.

“You’re a serious badass, Kev.”

“No, you’ve definitely got the wrong idea about me,” Kevin said. “I’m just somebody who wanted to get into grad school and maybe run for political office someday.”

“Past tense,” Charlie said. “You _wanted_ those things. Now you’re somebody who’s faced the King of Hell and come out on top, and who can drive to face the King of the Vampires looking like the bravest warrior I’ve ever had, and I’m the Queen of Moondor. I have a lot of warriors.”

Kevin was silent for a while. Charlie smiled and then went back to playing with her iPad.

“I look pretty good in a dress, too,” Kevin eventually said, his up-to-now gruff exterior softened just slightly with shyness. “Just… so you know.”

Charlie laughed.

 

* * *

Dean approached the mansion wearing syringes of dead man’s blood and carrying his machete. The air was still, and the silence of the surrounding woods was conspicuous. The walkway leading to the entrance was flanked by large, well-groomed red rose bushes, and ivy snaked up columns that caged in a large, wrap-around porch.

Dean circled around the side of the mansion to look for windows low enough to the ground that he could peer inside, but the first floor was elevated above ground level and he had no such luck. Before he reached the back, he ran into a tall fence, theoretically barring him from access to the back of the property.

Dean sheathed the machete and gracefully leapt over the fence. He stuck a solid landing and spared a moment to feel a little proud of himself for still behind able to hoist himself over a fence that high. He wanted to gloat, but no one was there to gloat to, and his heart ached for Sam and Cas.

He looked up to take stock of his surroundings, reaching to unsheath his machete, but his fingers never even fully closed around the hilt. His eyes went wide and his breath stuttered.

This was the garden.

It hit him like a punch right in the sternum, knocking the wind from his lungs. He blinked, trying to clear his head, to get his breath.

Weeping Willow branches swayed in a soft breeze, and Dean’s eyes seemed drawn to the movement like a magnet. And then the whole world seemed to sway to the side along with them, and Dean was swept over with it. He fell slowly, gently, like the swaying branches, first to his knees, and then the rest of the way over, and then passed out.

 

* * *

_Trees._

_A tree with a swing hanging from an outstretched branch. A little girl in an old-fashioned dress sat in the swing, like she was waiting for someone to come give her a push._

_Dean could tell that he was dreaming. It was a bizarre sensation, but comforting somehow._

_He walked up to the girl. Her back was to him, and she hadn’t moved at all._

_“Hello, little girl?”_

_She didn't make a sound._

_“God, little girls are creepy. Why is it always little girls?”_

_“It’s not,” she said, without turning to face Dean when she answered him. “He has sons, too.”_

_“What?”_

_The scene changed, transporting Dean inside the house. The first thing he noticed was that food was being prepared somewhere in the house, and it smelled delicious. He realized he was starving. He wasn’t even sure when the last time he'd had a “meal” was, just road snacks and booze. He walked from the foyer into a sitting room, and from the sitting room into a parlor._

_Dean then saw the little girl from the swing go walking by, toward a dining room. He followed her._

_“Can you see me?” he called out to her. No luck._

_As he watched, a motley assortment of people started showing up at the table, many of whom were quite young, but a few of whom were of varying older ages. House staff delivered food to the table, which looked delicious and made Dean ache with jealousy._

_All of the people were humans. Were they all the vampire’s pets? Was this his or her private herd? For a herd of blood dolls, they seemed awfully… content. Familial._

 

* * *

Dean opened his eyes and blinked a few times, trying to get his bearings. He was indoors now. The room was mostly dark, a large room lit only by a few lamps with dim bulbs. He was sitting at a large table. Once he regained the wits to think of it, he reached for his machete, but it was gone. He reached for the syringes next, but they were gone too. Paranoid, he patted for his cell phone, wallet, and car keys, but thankfully, those items were still in his pockets.

He looked up, across the table.

“Hello, Dean,” the Alpha smiled, his voice gentle and warm.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: this chapter touches on (my interpretation of) Dean's unresolved depression and suicidal tendencies. If you are sensitive to depression and suicidal ideations, please consider that before reading this. Thank you, and be well.

“You,” Dean said, meeting the Alpha’s gaze. “Should’ve guessed you’d be the only one with the kinda juice to pull something like this.”

The Alpha quirked his eyebrows. “Something like what?” he asked mildly.

“Summoning me here.”

“Summoning you here?” he chuckled. “You make it sound like you came here against your will.”

Dean’s jaw tensed at that and his fingers itched for the machete that still wasn’t in its sheath. He cursed at himself inwardly to hurry up and come up with that damn back up plan.

“I sent out a call for help,” the Alpha said, folding his hands gracefully on the table in front of him. “To my _children._ And you, Dean, seem to have answered.”

Dean’s face contorted in confusion and he made a few false starts trying to respond to that but nothing stuck.

“Dean,” the Alpha said, leaning forward, “understand this. You were my child once. My blood. That is no small thing. You were my family and I felt that bond in my blood. I saw you, learned your name, saw into your heart. It was brief, I know. You rejected the blood so quickly. But I remember it still. I never forget any of my children. Do you remember it, Dean Winchester?”

Dean realized his mouth had gone dry. He swallowed to re-moisten his tongue, at a loss for words.

“I… I thought you lost this… this psychic link thing with me,” Dean eventually said, his voice quieter, weaker than he would’ve wanted it to be. He heard himself and tried to put a little more steel in it. “...when I reversed the vamp bite.”

“I did,” the Alpha nodded. “Horrifically painful, whatever you did.”

“That hurt you?” Dean asked incredulously.

The Alpha shook his head at the misunderstanding. “It hurt _you_. I felt you _dying,_ Dean, I know it when all of my children die.”

Dean looked away uncomfortably.

“So why’s it back?” Dean said, getting the subject back on track and away from this _feelings_ crap. “The psychic thing.”

“I felt you reborn from Purgatory,” the Alpha said, his voice soft, almost reverential when he spoke of the place.

Dean blinked.

“More accurately, I felt the moment when another of my full-blooded sons was reborn from Purgatory,” the Alpha said. “And in that very first moment, when Benny Lafitte was being remade on this side of the veil between Purgatory and Earth, your souls were connected, Dean, bound in the same flesh. That moment, I saw into Benny, and just as I could see into Benny, I could see into you.”

The Alpha smiled. “And who was it that had brought back to me one of my fallen children? None other than the prodigal son himself, the boy who refused the blood, Dean Winchester. Why did you do it, Dean? Why would a man who has killed so many vampires then carry one across the veil alongside his own soul?”

 _Blood brothers._ The words rose unbidden to the front of his mind, unquellable. He’d called Benny his blood brother, had _meant it._

“Brothers?” the Alpha said, cocking his head to the side, tracing a long, clawed fingernail across the tabletop as he watched Dean, deeply fascinated and staring at Dean so hard it was making Dean sweat.

 _You can’t understand, no one understands that place, the things it does to you,_ Dean started to think, reflexively, the way he always got when someone mentioned Benny, but then he realized, no, the Alpha might be one of the few beings on Earth that actually would understand. How many creatures left on Earth even knew that Purgatory was real except the Alpha?

“We helped each other,” Dean said flatly, a low, defensive growl in his voice. “We trusted each other. That’s it.”

He couldn’t tell if it was real, or a trick of the low light in the room, but it seemed like the Alpha’s eyes were… _brighter?_ than he remembered them being. They were distracting… an amber, honey-brown that stood out in the gloom…

“Brothers in arms in the war zone of Purgatory…?” the Alpha suggested.

“Yes,” Dean breathed, almost stunned with relief to have someone just _get it._ “Yeah, exactly. Man, that’s exactly it.”

The Alpha smiled.

“You are my _family,_ Dean,” he said, his voice heavy with sentiment. “You call my son your _blood brother_ and I feel it in my own blood,” he said, gesturing to his heart. “And more than that, I still remember _you._ I have never forgotten you, Dean. A father _never_ gives up on his sons.”

Dean felt like the floor was falling out from under him. He put a hand on the table to steady himself, slowly, hoping it was subtle.

“Why did you call for help?” he asked, his voice gravelly and thin.

“I have lost so many of my children, Dean. Please. Tell me how you brought Benny Lafitte back from Purgatory.”

Dean huffed. “You know I can’t do that.”

“The Leviathans took too much from me,” the Alpha said, his voice growing dark. “Dean. When I felt Benny returned from Purgatory, it was the first ray of hope I have felt in my heart since those dark days when the Leviathans meant to wipe out my species. There is hope now, a chance for me to be reunited with those most precious, those who were never to be lost.”

_those never to be lost_

The words stuck in his mind, and with them conjured the spectre of Sam and all that the very name of him meant. All the things Dean would do, the lengths to which he would go, and the unbearable desolation of the moments in his life in which he’d had to go without him.

Yes. Dean could understand the Alpha.

Dean and the Alpha met eye to eye for a long, intense moment.

“Will you help me?” the Alpha asked again.

Dean wondered what Sam would say. _No,_ was the immediate answer, but he remembered a time, back in the old days, when it wasn’t that way. What changed? Sam used to have so much heart. Now he was… more like Dean, Dean supposed. But now what was Dean? More like Sam used to be? Sticking up for the monsters? That didn’t seem like the right answer. He wondered what Benny would say. Would Benny want him to help the Alpha? Would Benny really want more vamps out of Purgatory and walking the Earth again? Maybe not when he put it that way, but wouldn’t Benny help his _Father?_ Well, Dean supposed Benny had come back to _kill_ his sire, a creature he’d called “Old Man,” making him as much of a “father” figure to Benny as the Alpha, as far as vampires went…

God, now he was just making his own head hurt.

“I can see your pain,” the Alpha said softly.

He pushed his chair back from the table and stood, and Dean reflexively shot up to his feet as well. His eyes were glued to the Alpha’s - for some reason he felt almost afraid to look away and he didn’t know why, his mind shied away from even contemplating it. The Alpha approached him elegantly, his carriage non-threatening, but still so regal.

“Let me ask you a question,” he whispered, coming up so close that Dean felt like he was going to be swallowed up in those deep glowing eyes, the colors of late autumn leaves. “Do you think you’re _human_ , Dean? Or do you think you’re a _monster_?”

“What?” Dean said brokenly, falling further.

“When you die,” the Alpha said, pressing in closer, “do you want to go to Heaven? Or do you think you belong in Purgatory?”

Dean gasped softly like he’d been punched and his eyelashes fluttered at the sting of tears. His mouth moved on empty air, painfully lost for words.

“If you help me, I’ll give you a gift. Something you actually _want,”_ the Alpha said, reaching out to lay a hand along the side of Dean’s face.

Dean was so far gone, he didn’t even object to the gesture.

“I’ll give you _my_ blood, Dean. I’ll make you a vampire again, and this time, there will be no going back, no taking it away. You will be changed utterly and forever.”

“Why would I want that?”

The Alpha smiled, and Dean shivered as the hand still at his cheek caressed its way to his neck and drew him closer.

“Because you _want_ to die, don’t you, Dean?”

Dean started to shake his head no, but it was a weak protest, ineffectual, and the Alpha pressed on, disregarding it.

“You’re in the _way,_ aren’t you? You’re holding the people you care about back. You’re part of your brother’s terrible past and he’s trying to build a better future for himself and everyone else you care about. And you know, there’s no way to get that stubborn, co-dependent brother of yours to let you go unless he absolutely has to, is there? I’m offering you a way out, Dean, and it’s a one-way ticket to the only place you want to end up. They’ll see you for what you really are, and have no choice but to step aside and let you die. You _are_ a monster Dean, it’s time they saw it as clearly as you do.”

Tears started falling freely from Dean’s eyes; he couldn’t stop them.

“Will you help me, child?” the Alpha said, lifting the hand from Dean’s neck to thumb tears gently away.

“Yes,” he whispered.

“Will you accept my gift?” the Alpha asked.

Dean let a shuddering breath in and out. “Yes.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Alright, out of this entire lunatic plan, we can’t end up foiled by the keypad entry at the gate,” Kevin moaned.

Charlie drummed her fingers against the steering wheel, chewing her lip a little as she stared at the keypad. “I’ll get this, don’t think I won’t.”

“Maybe we should just ditch the car somewhere and climb the fence.”

“Kevin, look how tall that fence is.”

“Yeah, and no offense, but I don’t think you’ve ever ‘hacked’ a _keypad_ before. I don’t even think it has software. It’s just a box.”

“Kevin, I will get our car through this gate. I mean, how did Dean get through?”

“I don’t know, maybe the vampire let him through?”

"Right, of course, why didn't I think of that?" Charlie scoffed and went back to searching forums on her iPad. It took a while, but she eventually found what she was looking for - an override sequence specific to that particular model of keypad meant for when you forgot your passcode.

“Because everyone forgets their password,” Charlie gloated. “Every box has an idiot code built in.”

She quickly punched in the sequence and the gate swung open for her to drive through.

“Wow,” Kevin said. “Grats.”

“Thanks,” Charlie smiled.

Charlie drove down the long, continuing driveway until she saw the Impala pulled off alongside.

“Look, there’s Dean’s car,” she whispered, pointing. “Geez, we haven’t even seen a house yet, and he already ditched his car? Should I park here or keep driving?”

“Maybe park right behind his and we can walk from here,” Kevin said. “It must be near here…”

Charlie put the car in park and looked over at Kevin.

“What?” he said, returning the look.

“I just feel like we should have some inspiring dialog to help us transition into this upcoming action sequence,” Charlie said with a shrug.

“Um…” Kevin said unhelpfully.

“Maybe something will come to us on the way,” Charlie said hopefully.

“Yeah, I’m really a ‘spur of the moment’ kind of guy, I think,” Kevin said with an apologetic grimace.

They both nodded and got out of the car. When they cleared the tree line and the mansion came into view, sudden for something so massive, gloomy in the moonlight, they both stalled in their tracks and stared.

“Wow,” Charlie whispered. “That’s an impressive effect."

Kevin nodded.

They both continued on toward the mansion in silence. The front of the mansion was surrounded by columns densely covered in ivy and a thick, overgrown hedge of dead rose bushes. The front door hung slightly ajar, the paint peeling and exposed wood weather-worn.

“Well that’s a weight off my mind,” Charlie laughed quietly. “I wasn’t sure how we were going to get in.”

“Go Team Us,” Kevin smiled.

“Yeah!” Charlie smiled back, heading up to the front door and pushing it the rest of the way open.

The interior of the mansion was cobwebbed and thickly coated in dust. Charlie and Kevin both had to choke back coughs. They tiptoed through the dilapidated mansion, with only their flashlights for light, through a foyer and a sitting room, straining their ears for any sounds.

Kevin reached out for Charlie’s arm and gestured for her to be still and shushed her, telling her to listen. He then pointed forward and to their right -- the direction he’d heard the sound.

They both listened, and heard another sound.

“Why would I want that?” It was Dean’s voice, but it had a fragility to it neither of them had ever heard before.

Charlie and Kevin looked at each other in open bafflement, not sure what to do next. They then heard an unfamiliar voice in response, and it sent chills down both of their spines.

Kevin set into motion. He grabbed Charlie by the hand and led her toward that awful voice with its slithering words. He turned off his flashlight and only navigated by sound and touch, through the sitting room and the parlor, dodging from behind one piece of furniture to the next, until Dean and the vampire came into view in the dining room.

“Look at his eyes, I think he has Dean hypnotized,” Charlie whispered fearfully. “The way they’re glowing. We can’t make eye contact with this thing.”

“Will you accept my gift?”

“Oh my god, did he just,” Charlie stammered. “Is he really--?”

“Yes,” Dean breathed, his voice ragged with sorrow.

“Kevin, now, Dean just said ‘yes,’ to a vampire, do it now,” Charlie said frantically.

Kevin surged to his feet and shot out from behind the sofa. <ZACAM ERM MICALOZ,> he shouted, his palm outstretched toward the Alpha. His eyes glowed, his hand erupted in pure white light, and the Alpha screamed in a way that was utterly monstrous. Charlie covered her ears and the Alpha turned and ran, his skin blackening and smoking at the touch of the light Kevin wielded.

Dean was knocked back by the fleeing Alpha, and looked to be in a daze, staring at Kevin.

“Come on, we need to get out of here,” Kevin said. He grabbed Dean by the elbow and dragged him out of the dining room toward where Charlie was still behind the sofa.

“I am _so glad_ that worked,” Charlie said with a laugh of nervous adrenaline, as the three of them jogged out of the mansion.

“What the hell was that?” Dean asked, slowly coming to his senses.

“What the hell was that?” Kevin echoed back at him. “What the hell was _that?!_ Tell me I’m wrong here but I think I caught you getting ready to let a vampire turn you, Dean!”

Charlie looked between the two of them anxiously. Kevin was furious, and Dean seemed ashamed but closed off.

“How much of that did you hear?” Dean asked.

“Enough,” Kevin shot back. They’d reached the cars, so he stopped in between Dean and his car, staring up at him expectantly, waiting for answers.

“Kevin, the Alpha had him hypnotized,” Charlie said. “You saw that. Dean wasn’t in his head. You can’t hold him accountable for that.”

“What?” Dean said, looking at Charlie.

“He had you hypnotized,” Charlie said to Dean, gently. “I could tell by his eyes. And the way you were talking, you were definitely out of it.”

Dean looked away.

“Let’s get a hotel for the night, alright? Kev, you take my car and I’ll ride with Dean, ok? And then we’ll head for the bunker tomorrow?" 

“I can drive by myself, Charlie,” Dean griped.

“I like Charlie’s plan better,” Kevin said, with such heat that both of them were a little startled. “I’ll text you when I find a hotel,” he said, and walked away from them both to get into Charlie’s car, get turned around in the driveway, and drive off.

Dean frowned at the space where Kevin had been.

“He’s just worried about you,” Charlie offered.

Dean grumbled and got in his car. Charlie got in with him.

“So what was that he did, anyway?” Dean asked, once they’d gotten back on the road. “With the light. That was… pretty awesome.”

“Yeah, wasn’t it?” Charlie gushed. “I figure he’s basically a level one paladin now or something. Ezekiel taught him some Enochian, I guess it was sort of like a Turn Undead spell. I think because he’s a prophet he has a natural affinity for it. He taught me the words, too, but we weren’t sure if it would work if I tried it.”

Dean stared at Charlie. “Okay, some of that went over my head because I’m not fluent in Moondor, but I’m pretty sure you’re saying you guys came in there to face an Alpha _not sure what you were going to do would even work?”_

“Yeah, basically.”

Dean looked like he wanted to say a lot of things but didn’t. He just grimaced a lot and kept driving.

“But it worked!”

Dean’s frown deepened. 

“Play some music,” he said.

“Wait, you’re going to let me pick the music?” Charlie said uncomfortably.

“Yeah, go for it,” Dean said, his voice already far away.

“But shotgun shuts their cakehole,” Charlie whimpered, but Dean wasn’t really listening. So after a while of awkward silence, Charlie dug out the adapter that was still buried in the glove box despite Dean’s many tantrums about it sullying the purity of the Impala’s sound system and plugged it in.

 

* * *

“You’re not serious.”

“What?”

“Charlie, you called me a dinosaur for listening to music this old. I know you don’t listen to stuff like this.”

“This is a classic.”

“This is a cheesy piece of crap.”

 _“...did you ever know that you’re my hero,”_ Charlie warbled, her voice thin and off-key. _“And everything I would like to be?”_

Dean groaned.

But then his mind started wandering again, off into the dark places it had been veering before she’d started the song, triggered by those words.

They could’ve gotten themselves _killed._

What the hell were they _doing?_ They didn’t even know! They were just charging in blind, and for what? To save his worthless ass? They were facing down an _Alpha. For him._ It made him want to puke. It made him want to put a gun to his head. There was absolutely no justice in a world where a girl like Charlie went risking her neck to save somebody like Dean piece of shit Winchester. Everything had gone wrong. How the fuck had they found him? Fucking Zeke.

Her _hero?_ Jesus Christ. Wanting to be like him? Ever since he’d first heard the words “I’ve been hunting,” come out of her mouth, he’d wanted to just shake her and shake her and scream in her face _Why can’t you see how fucked I am?! How fucked we all are? There is nothing good here._

The song was still going, and Charlie was still singing along.

_“I could fly higher than an eagle, ‘cause you are the wind beneath my wings…”_

Bile rose in his throat. Out of nowhere, it made him think of Cas. He hit the brakes and pulled the car over, the suddenness of which made Charlie let out a little yelp of fright and clutch at the dashboard.

“Turn it off,” he barked.

Charlie stared at him, stuck in place.

“Damn it,” Dean growled, and reached over and turned the volume knob all the way down instead.

Charlie stared at Dean, her eyes big with anxiety, and Dean stared at her right back, struck by the fact that her look of fear looked so much like Cas’s had when he’d taken him to the ‘den of iniquity.’ Was everything going to remind him of Cas, now that Cas was gone?

“Dean,” Charlie whispered, “you’re crying."

“What?”

Dean wiped at his face furiously. His heart hurt. Very suddenly everything was too much, and he leaned his face down against his steering wheel and folded his arms over his head, concentrating on breathing.

Charlie hesitantly reached out and smoothed a hand down his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Dean,” she said. “Whatever’s going on, it’s okay. We’re going to help you, and it’ll be okay.”

“Sorry,” he said, his voice rocky. “Been a rough night.”

“Let’s just get to a hotel and get some shut-eye, okay?” she smiled. It made Dean sick with himself; she was trying to be brave but her voice was shaky. “Then we can drive back to the bunker and brainstorm this tomorrow, together, from the safety of a bomb shelter.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

Dean took a deep breath in and smiled. This felt good. This felt right. Home.

The air in Purgatory was different than air anywhere else. Dean had been in deep woods before and it was deep woods air - rich and wet and earthy - but it was more than that, too. It was like breathing a stimulant, as though he could absorb everything he needed straight through his lungs. He took a deep breath and felt invigorated, felt like he could run and run and run, for days on end. He felt like his stamina had no end in Purgatory. He felt limitless and primal.

He felt _good._

He jogged through the trees, getting the lay of the land. Purgatory was not a featureless waste - it had landmarks, geography. He wanted to know where he’d landed.

A rustle caught his attention and he stopped, reaching for the dagger hanging at his hip. Benny walked out from behind a cluster of trees, smiling, and Dean relaxed out of his fighting posture and smiled so brightly his eyes wrinkled at the corners.

“Benny, man, I’ve been looking for you.”

“Ah, brother, it is good to see you,” Benny smiled, striding up toward Dean to clasp him in a brief, tight hug.

Dean nodded, his smile tight to rein in his emotions, holding in the flood of things he might have said.

They started walking - it was always best to keep moving in Purgatory.

“Is your little guardian angel here again, too?” Benny asked.

Dean winced a little. “No… uh, Cas… he’s human now.”

“Huh,” Benny nodded. “What’d he go and do that for?”

“What? No, he, not on purpose. It was something that got done to him, he didn’t choose it.”

“Oh,” Benny nodded. “I wouldn’a been too surprised if he’d’ve gone and done that on purpose, was all. Shame, that happening if he didn’t want it.”

Dean looked at Benny quizzically. “Huh? Why would you think he’d do it on purpose?”

Benny quirked an eyebrow at Dean and gave him a sly smirk. “Really, brother?”

“What?” Dean demanded.

Benny shook his head and laughed. “Nothin', I don’t mean ya no harm,” Benny said, looking ahead into the trees, his smile amused but loving.

Dean stopped and grabbed Benny’s arm to pull him to a stop as well. “Benny, what’re you getting at? You think he was in on something? I know you never trusted him, but come on--”

Benny chuckled and shook his head. “This got nothin’ to do with me accusin’ him of somethin’, brother, I swear. Relax.”

Dean scowled, waiting for a real answer.

“I’m not tryin’ to start a fight with ya, brother,” Benny said apologetically, holding up his hands, smiling gently. “And I’m not sayin’ nothin’ ‘bout you, but you know what they say, ‘bout angels ‘n fallin’ for humans ‘n all. It just sure seemed like the sorta thing he’d do, was all; way he was, toward you.”

Dean blinked. “Oh. Uh… no. No.”

Dean cleared his throat and started off through the trees again. Benny let him get a few strides ahead and then followed.

“So, what're you doin’ back here, brother Dean?” Benny asked companionably, hands shoved casually into his pockets.

“I’m staying.”

There was no response for long enough that Dean stopped to turn around to make sure Benny was still following him. Benny was staring at him, and he looked sadder than Dean had ever seen him. It bothered Dean deeply.

“What?” Dean asked.

Benny looked away for a moment, collecting his thoughts, and it was the first time Dean actually thought of Benny as truly much older than himself. Benny’s appearance had always made Dean unconsciously think of him as around Dean’s own age.

Eventually Benny looked back at him. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d be a liar to say I wouldn’t be happy havin’ ya here. I miss ya, and havin’ ya here’d be an awful lot less lonely. You were a good huntin’ buddy.” Benny sighed. “But this ain’t the place for you, Dean, you gotta go where humans’re meant to go.”

“I’m not going to be human much longer.”

Benny’s brow furrowed in confusion, and a touch of anger. “What now?”

“There’s a vamp who wants to turn me,” Dean admitted quietly. “I think I’m going to let him.”

“Why in God’s name’d you do that?” Benny shouted, immediately enraged.

“Because I’m a _monster,_ Benny, this is where I belong,” Dean said, with so much passionate conviction he was almost breathless after he’d said it. “I’ve been to Heaven. I’ve been to Hell. And there’s nowhere I felt like I _fit_ like here. This is what I _am._ I don’t even belong on Earth like I belong here. Remember when you told me you didn’t fit in anymore? God, Benny, I was so upset with you at first, but now I _get it._ God, I get it.”

Benny’s rage fizzled, and he just looked heartbroken. “But what about your family?” he eventually said. “You really wanna die and end up here and them up end up there, and be away from ‘em forever?”

Dean looked away, not wanting to tell Benny _they’ll be fine without me._

“Your Mama, she still livin’?”

Dean’s eyes jerked up to Benny. It shocked him, to have someone talk about her. “No,” he mumbled.

“Mamas…” Benny said, smiling sadly, “they can’t do without their babies. You know that, right? She’s up there right now, wonderin’ ‘bout you, worryin’ ‘bout you, lookin’ forward to the day she gets her boy back. You think she wants her boy endin’ up in the land of monsters forever? You gonna make your Mama cry like that, Dean? God, I can’t stand thinkin’ ‘bout your Mama up there, cryin’ for you in Heaven.”

Dean felt tears in his eyes and it pissed him off. He wiped them away furiously. He couldn’t help remembering the day his mother, young then, before he’d even been born, had unknowingly admitted to him that her worst nightmare was for her children to end up hunters… to end up fighting monsters.

“Fuck you, Benny,” Dean growled.

“And you know, that angel of yours? I lay bets right now he’d follow you here. That what you want?”

Dean blinked, staggered by the thought.

Benny shrugged. “Maybe it is, now I think about it. We could get the gang back together, the three of us. But you know, knowin’ you like I do, I kinda doubt it. I think you want him to go back home to Heaven, on account ‘a you thinkin’ he’d be a lot happier there than here.”

“And just one last thing, Dean,” Benny said, and his icy blue eyes were more unnerving than Dean had ever seen them. “Every monster here, we was all human once, ya know. We all got Mamas and Papas and families up in Heaven. We got people we wish we could see. Some of us, we think when you die here in Purgatory, maybe you been good enough, you done enough time here, you finally get to go to Heaven. Or maybe you been bad enough, you go to Hell, or you just bubble right back up again here in Purgatory. But, Dean, I tell you, brother, if I could die and go to Heaven? _I would._ ”

 

* * *

At 6am, Kevin woke up to an alarm he’d set on his cell phone. He’d put the phone on vibrate and put it under his pillow, so the vibrations would wake him up without waking up Dean. Realistically there was no reason for Kevin to set an alarm, but it was habit. He liked waking up early, especially when he was around the Winchesters. Anxiety made him a light sleeper.

They were in a double-bed hotel room, and Charlie was in a nearby room of her own. Dean, still asleep, was making noise and twitching.

Kevin felt sorry for him, of course, but part of him was almost relieved to see that Dean had nightmares. It helped prove that Dean was human, and not the Flawless Hero that he came off as sometimes. He wondered if the good thing to do would be to wake Dean up, but decided not to, because Dean seemed like the sort of person who might be a sleep-puncher, and Kevin didn’t want to get punched in the face as a thank you for trying to do something nice. He got punished by Life for doing the right thing often enough as it was already.

So he got out his laptop, opened up Skyrim, and hoped Dean woke up or started having nicer dreams soon.


	7. Chapter 7

Kevin hadn’t been playing long when his phone buzzed on the bed beside him. Text message, from Sam.

 **Sam:** Hey, figure you’re awake by now. Update?

 **Kevin:** Yeah, sorry we didn’t get in touch last night, it was crazy and we were all freaked out, needed sleep. Dean’s ok, we all lived, that spell I found worked, Alpha ran. Hope it’s not coming back for me… LOL.

 **Sam:**  really glad to hear it Kev, good job man

 **Sam:** Don’t worry, just get back to the bunker, you’ll be safe, we’ll figure it out. We can track this thing now so we’ll know if it’s coming.

 **Kevin:** thanks

Kevin went back to playing his game for a while, but he eventually couldn’t stop himself and picked his phone back up to text Sam again.

 **Kevin:** Hey Sam?

 **Sam:** yeah?

 **Kevin:** I think your brother has deep-seated emotional issues that are causing him to engage in suicidally reckless behaviors.

 **Sam:** lol yeah, pretty much

 **Sam:** Past 10 yrs at least? You eventually accept it as who he is I guess

Kevin sighed and rubbed his temple for a moment, trying to decide how much he really wanted to press the issue. Sam was a nice guy, sure, but he was still massive and capable of some scary things when upset. And he wasn’t sure if telling something to Sam would end up equalling telling Dean, and Dean was just as muscular and frighteningly unhinged.

“Ugh.”

 **Kevin:** Maybe it’s reached a critical mass. I don’t know, he’s your brother, you know him better than me and I definitely don’t know how to deal with him or either of you but I just wanted you to know in case we need to say or do something.

 **Kevin:** We found him with the Alpha and the Alpha said

 **Kevin:** Do you want to DIE and DEAN SAID YES

 **Kevin:** and some other stuff too, it was pretty dark, your brother has some Issues and he’s got vampires who want to make him a VAMPIRE now so it seems like this might be some kind of tipping point because DEAN SAID YES

 **Kevin:** if we’d gotten there like TWO MINUTES later your brother might be a vampire right now

 **Kevin:** and I don’t know about you but I REALLY don’t want to deal with a vampire Dean, he’s difficult enough already

Kevin let out a big breath and watched the screen, waiting for Sam to reply. Minutes passed. At one point the screen showed that Sam was typing, but then the note went away, as though whatever Sam had been typing was erased and abandoned.

 **Kevin:** Sam? You still there?

 **Sam:** :(

“That’s officially the saddest frown emote I’ve ever seen,” Kevin muttered to himself. He had a strangely vivid mental image of a sad Sam sitting in the bunker, and it was making his heart ache. He wished he could reach through the phone and give Sam a hug.

 **Kevin:** we’re keeping our eyes on him, taking turns riding with him, he and I shared a room here at the hotel. Between Charlie and me, we haven’t taken our eyes off him since we found him. It’ll be ok Sam

 **Sam:** thanks Kev

 **Sam:** just get back soon

 **Sam:** we owe you big, I know that, I’ll never forget it

It was his first impulse to say, “Don’t mention it, you’d do the same for me.” But then he remembered the long months he spent on the run, alone, calling the Winchesters and begging them for help and getting nothing in return. He’d later learned that Dean had been in Purgatory that whole time, but Sam had simply turned his back.

So he said nothing. He took the line for whatever it was worth, set his phone back down, and went back to playing Skyrim.

 

* * *

It was another few hours before Dean woke up. He rolled over with a grunt, rubbing at his eyes blearily. Even though he’d slept, he woke up still feeling exhausted. His whole body ached, as though he’d spent the entire night running and being beaten with sticks.

He looked over at the other bed and saw Kevin, sitting with his laptop, headphones on, engrossed in whatever he was doing.

“What time is it?” Dean asked.

Kevin didn’t appear to hear him.

“Do you really need such huge headphones?” Dean grumbled. “What’re you doing over there, anyway?”

Still unheard, Dean grunted, swung himself out of bed, and went to the bathroom. When he came back, he tugged one side of Kevin’s headphones off an ear and peered around the side of the laptop to see the screen.

“Whatcha’ doing?”

Kevin glowered at him for messing with his headphones, but adjusted them a little more comfortably to remain half-off the way Dean had put them.

“Playing a game,” Kevin answered, his attention still mostly devoted to the game.

“What’s it called?” Dean asked, intrigued. Kevin’s avatar was running through a rocky mountain-top forest whose muted colors and rugged beauty reminded Dean of Purgatory.

“Skyrim. You probably wouldn’t like it much.”

Dean frowned. “Why not?”

Kevin sighed and looked up at Dean. “It’s just… I don’t know, you don’t seem like a… video games kind of guy, I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess not,” Dean said with a half-laugh. He took one last look at the screen to watch what was happening and then walked off to where he’d left his outerwear. He finished getting dressed in unhappy silence.

“Well, I’m ready to hit the road. You and Charlie can ride together,” Dean said, palming his keys.

“No, no, that’s not how we should be doing this,” Kevin said, pushing the laptop off his lap and jumping up out of bed. He was already fully dressed.

Dean quirked an eyebrow at him irritably.

“You’ve got a vampire on your scent,” Kevin said, and Dean honestly had to admit that he was kind of proud of how steely Kevin looked and sounded. “It’d be stupid to have you be the one who’s off by himself. If you’re in a rush to get on the road now, we can wake up Charlie and go. But you’re not going alone. I’ll jump in your window as you try to drive off if I have to.”

Dean stared at Kevin and then chuckled softly. “Well, okay. I’ll go with your plan, then.”

“Thank you,” Kevin sighed, relieved.


	8. Chapter 8

When they got back to the bunker, Sam was sitting at the table near the foot of the stairs leading down from the main entrance. Dean felt awkward and self-conscious as he descended the staircase, feeling Sam’s eyes glued to him.

Sam jumped up as soon as Dean was off the staircase, strided up to him, and grabbed him into a crushing hug. Dean wheezed and his ribs ached.

“Okay, okay,” he said, trying to shake Sam off.

Sam ignored his protests for another few moments, just hugging him silently. Dean tried to crane his neck to see where Charlie and Kevin were, intending to shoot them accusatory looks for apparently having said something to his brother to get him this worked up, but they had both already absented themselves from the scene.

 _Dicks,_ Dean thought irritably.

When Sam finally let go of Dean, he skewered Dean with a set of intensely sad and concerned puppy dog eyes.

_Oh, you bastard, that is not fair._

“Dean,” Sam said softly, “what’s going on?”

Dean had had a good eighteen hours worth of driving time he could have spent planning how he’d deal with this question. Instead, stubbornly and wishfully, he’d wasted every minute of it just hoping he could avoid the topic entirely somehow.

_Smooth going, Winchester. Idiot._

“Nothing,” Dean said wearily. He cast his eyes away, unable to look Sam in the face. “I just… I know I shouldn’t have taken off like that. It just seemed like something I could handle on my own.”

“The _Alpha_?” Sam said incredulously. “Dean, you’re not stupid and neither am I. We both know you can’t take on the Alpha by yourself. What’re you hiding? Why’re you lying to me?”

Dean pulled out a chair from the table and sat down, stalling for time while his mind raced, trying to come up with suitable half-truths he could spin, try to make this all more palatable, more believable, and get Sam to quit asking questions.

“He’s been communicating with me… psychically,” Dean mumbled.

Sam sat down.

“I… I don’t know, Sam. Looking back, now, I know it was stupid. But at the time… after having him in my head like that… I thought I could just go there and deal with it on my own. I didn’t want to get you and Kev and Charlie involved. He wanted to talk… that was what I got from the things he was putting in my head. I thought I’d just go and talk… see what he wanted.”

“I thought the psychic link thing went away after we got the vamp blood out of your system,” Sam said softly, overwhelmed by the information dump and trying to process it all.

“I know, that’s exactly what I said,” Dean said. “But I guess maybe me being in Purgatory, something opened the channel back up.”

“So… can he still talk to you?” Sam asked nervously. “Is he still in your head?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t gotten anything since then.”

Sam nodded.

There was a span of awkward silence then, as Dean tried to think of a convincing way to end the conversation, and Sam studied him, presumably trying to think of ways to pull more information out of him.

Sam broke the silence first. “Dean… I’m kind of worried about you.”

“Oh, come on, Sammy, seriously? Are we really gonna do this?” Dean shot back angrily.

“This is important,” Sam argued, hitting Dean with the eyes again.

Dean groaned and looked away.

“Kevin told me some things,” Sam said cautiously, aware that he was on thin ice and that Dean was likely to bail on the conversation and completely shut him out if he didn’t handle this the right way.

Dean disliked the “being handled with kid gloves” treatment, and he especially disliked where it looked like this conversation was headed.

“Well, Kevin’s a narc, great, good to know,” Dean growled. “Little weasel. After everything I’ve done for him.”

“Were you really going to let the Alpha turn you?”

“No,” Dean lied. He looked Sam straight in the eyes as he said it and held his gaze for emphasis.

“Kev said he heard--”

“Well, he heard wrong,” Dean said sternly. He then leaned forward across the table, leaning in toward Sam. “It was a trick. I got tricked by a monster that wanted my help. But it’s over now, and it won’t happen again. I’m not going anywhere, Sammy, I promise.”

Sam looked torn -- on one hand desperately wanting to believe every word his big brother was saying, but on the other feeling obligated to question it. Dean could see it all in his eyes, could see how much Sam just wanted Dean to be okay, how much he wanted the lie to be true.

And Dean hated making his brother sad. Hated it more than perhaps anything else in his life. In that moment, Dean was prepared to say anything at all to make Sam feel okay again.

“You wanna watch some TV?” Dean asked, giving Sam a little smile.

“You still talk to me like I’m a little kid sometimes,” Sam groused, but there was no heat in it. His voice was weak and wobbly, betraying unshed tears.

“Whatever,” Dean said with an eyeroll. “Do you wanna watch the next ep of Game of Thrones or not?”

Sam smiled and nodded.

“Good,” Dean said, reaching out to give Sam’s shoulder a loving smack. “Go grab the kids, I’ll pop some popcorn.”

“We aren’t your kids,” Sam teased, standing up from the table.

Dean laughed and shook his head, heading off to the kitchen. “Yeah, you are,” he said, largely to himself.

 


	9. Chapter 9

"Alright, I know my room has the TV, but you guys need to get out. I'm tired."

"Me too," Kevin yawned. "Night, guys."

"How old are you two?" Dean said, giving Sam and Kevin a look.

Sam chuckled. "Get out."

"I'm not going to sleep for a while, we can watch something on my laptop if you want," Charlie said as she, Kevin, and Dean left Sam's room.

"Sure," Dean said. "Whatcha wanna watch?"

"Have you seen any of the Harry Potter movies?"

"Eh. Sam tried to get me to read the books once, but I told him I didn't think it was really my sort of thing."

"Willing to give the movies a shot?" Charlie asked, smiling brightly. It was a very difficult face to say no to.

"Sure," Dean ceded.

"Yay!"

They went to Dean’s room and sat on his bed together, watching the first movie on Charlie’s laptop at the end of the bed.

“So, wanna watch the next one?” Charlie asked, once the movie was over.

“Sure,” Dean said, to Charlie’s pleasant surprise.

Once they’d finished the second movie, Charlie looked over to Dean and was surprised by the melancholy look on his face.

“So what do you think so far?” she asked.

“I can see why Sam likes it,” he muttered, shrugging.

“Oh?”

“Harry reminds me of Sam.”

“Huh,” Charlie said, quirking her head contemplatively as she considered it.

“But no older brother to look out for him,” Dean added unhappily. “Remind me to give Sam a hug tomorrow.”

“I’m going to hold you to that,” Charlie grinned, closing her laptop. “Goodnight, Dean.”

“Night, Charlie.”

Dean escorted Charlie out of his room, shut the door behind her, and got undressed for bed. He was just starting to fall asleep when a phone rang inside his nightstand. At first he wanted to ignore it, but then he bolted upright and threw open the nightstand drawer to dig the phone out and answer it. It was an emergency phone, one whose number Dean had given to very, very few people.

Dean gave the number on the caller ID a brief glance before answering it. 815 area code. Not something he recognized.

“Hello?”

“Dean Winchester?” a woman’s voice responded.

“Who is this?”

“My name’s June. I was given this number by the Alpha. He sent me to come get you and take you to him --”

“Whoa, whoa,” Dean cut in. “How did he get this number?”

“Our Father can see all the things you hold in your mind.”

“So why’s he sending some random person to talk to me? Why isn’t he talking to me in my head himself?”

“He’s been injured. He can’t maintain a connection as difficult as yours from so far away. That’s why he told me to bring you to him.”

Dean frowned and sighed heavily.

“I’m at a 24 hour truck stop off I-80,” the woman said. “It’s called Cubby’s. Meet me here and we can talk about whatever else you want in person.”

Dean groaned. “I-80’s about an hour and a half from here.”

“I don’t know exactly where you are. I wasn’t able to see that much. All I knew was to head west on I-80 until I was in Nebraska. So here I am. Unless you want to give me your address, I think you should just meet me here.”

Dean wrestled internally with what to do. But she made a point, he could at least come meet her face to face and get more information. He hadn’t abandoned his desire to get back into Purgatory and rescue Benny, not entirely, and the Alpha was still the best way he knew to do that.

“Alright,” Dean said eventually. “Where’re you at on I-80?”

“Exit 420, I-80 and 63. If I’m not inside the truck stop I’ll be waiting inside my van; it’s a dark grey minivan, Illinois plates.”

“Alright. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Dean hung up and rubbed his hands over his eyes.

“This is insane,” he muttered to himself, and then got up and got dressed.

 

* * *

The sun was rising as Dean pulled into the Cubby’s parking lot. He saw the grey minivan with Illinois plates and parked beside it. He didn’t see anyone inside, which was just fine, he’d wanted to go inside anyway to get something caffeinated to drink.

He took a look around when he got inside, and saw a young woman sitting at a booth with her laptop out. She looked up when he got close and closed her laptop.

“Dean Winchester,” she said, smiling. She stuck out a hand. “Pleasure to meet you. My name’s June.”

Dean shook her hand, unnerved that she recognized him immediately.

“I’d offer you this coffee, but it’s cold by now and probably tastes bad,” she said, glancing at a cup of coffee sitting beside her laptop. “I felt obligated to buy it since I was going to be sitting here using the free WiFi.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna grab something and then we can talk,” Dean said.

“Sure,” June smiled.

Dean bought himself a large coffee and then came back to sit across from June, who was reaching under the table to unplug her laptop. She then closed the laptop and folded her hands on top of it.

“So,” she said, “do you have specific questions, or should I just start talking?”

June had long, wavy, dark brown hair, big blue eyes, and full, pale lips. Dean was certain this wasn’t just a case of seeing what he wanted to see - her resemblance to Cas was undeniable and distressing. It made Dean’s heart ache. He wished strongly he could be sitting here with Cas instead.

“Um,” Dean mumbled, looking down at his hands. “Yeah. Just start talking.”

“Okay. The Alpha directed me to come find you and bring you to him. He’s wounded, so he can’t travel himself. He also warned me that you’re a hunter, so I should be careful of you chopping my head off.”

Dean was surprised by the good humor with which June said this.

“I get it,” she said with a shrug, picking up on Dean’s reaction. “But for what it’s worth, I don’t kill people. I never have and I never will.” She reached inside the collar of her shirt to pull a small golden cross necklace out and rub the cross between her thumb and forefinger. “‘Thou shalt not kill.’ I still believe that. I only drink from the willing.”

“‘The willing’?” Dean repeated incredulously. “Who in their right mind _lets_ a vampire drink their blood?”

The words had only just passed his lips when all the times he’d freely given his own blood to Benny rose to mind, making a hypocrite of himself. He quickly shut up and hid behind taking a drink of coffee.

“My parents,” June said uncomfortably. She turned her eyes away, looking out the window instead. The light seemed to hurt her eyes, and she squinted but kept looking out anyway.

Squinting, she looked even more like Castiel. It was endearing, and Dean felt like an even bigger asshole for questioning her like that. But he couldn’t help himself now, her response was too mind-boggling.

“Your parents?”

“Yeah, my human parents. They’re still alive, you know. They’re very old, and I feel bad about it, but we’re very careful about it. They seem okay. My mom used to be a nurse, so she showed me how to draw blood. The right way, you know? With a needle and all.”

“How’d they react to the whole vampire thing? I mean, are they as religious as you?”

“Yeah, they are. When it happened…” June’s eyes wandered sadly as she remembered. “I was so scared. The man who turned me, he was… evil. I didn’t want this, you know. He turned me and kept me for a while, but eventually I got away. And the first thing I did was call my mom. I mean… what else was I supposed to do? I was terrified and didn’t know what to do or where to go. I called my mom.”

Dean’s heart was aching again. Irrationally, he felt guilty about what had happened to June. She was the kind of girl he was out there trying to protect, and somehow Dean couldn’t help feeling like he’d failed her.

Cas’s voice crept into Dean’s thoughts. _You can’t save everyone, my friend._

But what else was Dean living for? He felt crushingly pointless at moments like this.

“They didn’t believe me at first, of course,” June chuckled softly. “I had to prove it, show them. And my parents, they’re good people. They couldn’t just turn me away, even like this. So they hid me in the basement and took care of me. And now they’re older, and I’m finally returning the favor. I take care of them so they don’t have to live in a nursing home. My dad, he built that house. He doesn’t want to leave. So it feels good to be able to help them stay at home. He wants…” June’s voice drifted off tearfully. She finally looked back at Dean and smiled sadly. “He wants to die at home, you know? His home, not some nursing facility surrounded by strangers. So, it feels good, knowing I can help give him that.”

Dean nodded.

“But that’s why I don’t have any grudge against you for being a hunter,” June said. “The man who turned me… he…” June struggled to find the right words. “I think men like him are the reason hunters exist. And if someone like you had shown up while I was still with him, I wouldn’t have minded. It would have been worth it. I would have let a hunter kill me if it meant my sire wouldn’t be on this Earth anymore. It would have been an act of goodness to kill him, I believe that. I think you hunters are doing God’s work. Thank you for that.”

Dean’s stomach felt sour. “Is it really God’s work if you kill an innocent girl?” he said seriously.

“Only children are truly innocent,” June said, giving Dean a comforting smile. “I assure you, it would have been worth it.” She then chuckled. “But I’d rather you didn’t kill me now, for what it’s worth. At least not until my parents both pass. I know they’d rather I was their caretaker than someone like the nurse I hired to check in with them while I’m out doing this.”

“I’m not going to kill you.”

Dean took another drink of his coffee, trying not to think too deeply about how many other innocent people he’d killed in his life so far, or about the fact that every monster started out human, with a family, with a mom at home they’d call when they’re scared.

“So the Alpha called you away from your elderly parents just to make an escort run?” Dean eventually said, a bubble of anger rising in his chest.

“He assured me that your importance could not be overstated,” June answered. “He’s helped me more than once, and has always been kind to me. I have no reason to disobey him now. My parents’ll be okay until I get back. Hopefully this won’t take more than a day or two.”

“Well, let’s hit the road then,” Dean said.

June smiled and nodded.

“We’re taking my car,” Dean added quickly. “You can leave your van or drive separate, I don’t care which.”

“Gas is so expensive, let’s just carpool, if that’s okay?”

“Yep.”

“Thanks,” June smiled. She shoved her laptop into a messenger bag, slung the bag over her shoulder, and followed Dean to his car.

“Wow,” June gasped. “That’s a beautiful car.”

Dean grinned and opened the door for her. “Yes, she is,” he said proudly.

He came around to the driver’s side and got in. He looked over at June, who looked up to meet his gaze. Sitting there in the passenger seat, she stirred in his mind memory after memory of all the times Cas had sat there, his blue-eyed gaze steady and quiet.

Dean knew, unequivocally, that any journey into Purgatory offered no guarantee of return. He knew that by doing this, he risked never seeing the people he loved again.

He hadn’t said goodbye to Sam, but he was alright with that. He’d gotten to see him again, and really, there was no way to say goodbye to Sam. Any attempt would only have spurred Sam into interfering.

But it had been almost a month since Dean had last seen Cas. It didn’t feel right. He didn’t think he could possibly walk off the face of the Earth, never to return, having not seen Cas.

“June,” Dean said, “I’m sorry. I know you want to get home as soon as you can. But I’ve gotta go somewhere else first, before I go see the Alpha. You don’t have to come along if you don’t want, I can meet up with you again on the way back. But I’ve gotta do this.”

“Where?”

“Idaho,” Dean admitted regretfully. “Two states over in the wrong direction.”

“I’ve never been that far west,” June said cheerfully. “It’ll be fun. Let’s go.”

Dean grimaced. “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it’s really just going to be more of the same. We’re going to be on I-80 most of the way there, and I-80 never really gets any more interesting than this.”

“Let me level with you, Dean. As much as I love my parents and want to get back home so they’re not stuck with a nurse, I do occasionally wish I could get away from them for a little while. This is the most excitement I’ve had in literally _years._ Let’s go take care of whatever you need to do. I really don’t mind.”

“Okay then, let’s go,” Dean chuckled, turning the key and starting up the engine.


	10. Chapter 10

June was preoccupied with her phone for most of the trip, leaving Dean stranded alone with his thoughts.

He would never admit it, but he was scared. All the way to his bones scared. It wasn't just the looming return to Purgatory, it was _everything_. His whole life was drowning in what he feared was absolute _wrongness_ , and he felt out of control. Everything with Sam had gone wrong, everything with Cas, everything with the tablets, which had once seemed straight-forward and perfect, all of it had gone wrong. And Dean felt utterly alone with this colossal mess he'd made, and responsible for shouldering single-handed a fall-out he felt breathing down his neck.

He felt like he had only one friend left that he could turn to now, and that was Benny. He _needed_ Benny, his last stable rock in the storm. Benny, who seemed to understand so effortlessly, and who never asked questions Dean was unwilling to answer. Benny, whose motivations were plainly stated and who had, as far as Dean could tell, never lied to him, had no reason to. Benny, for all that he was a vampire, was _trustworthy._

And Dean desperately needed someone he could trust.

By the time they arrived at the Gas 'n Sip, Dean had resolved once again to go along with the Alpha's plans. June was thoroughly engrossed in Angry Birds, and gave the place only a cursory glance when Dean parked.

"Bathroom stop?" she asked.

"No, this is the destination. Somebody I need to see. Wait here."

"Sure," June said, as Dean got out of the car.

Dean hovered outside the store a moment, looking in the windows. There was someone he didn’t know working at the register, and he didn't see Cas anywhere else. He worried that maybe he’d miss Cas entirely despite having driven all the way here but went in anyway and approached the girl at the register.

"Hey, uh, is Ca--, um, Steve here?"

"Yeah, hold on," she said, and headed into the back. Dean gave a quiet sigh of relief. He heard her yell, "Hey, Steve! Somebody here for you!" and then she came back out to the register. "He'll be out in a sec."

Dean nodded and fidgeted with the candy as he waited.

Cas finally came out of the back, and as soon as Dean laid eyes on him, it was as though a heavy weight was lifted from him. He couldn't help smiling, even though Cas was looking at him with a brow furrow of confusion and concern.

“It’s so good to see you,” Dean smiled. “How’s it going?”

“Dean… I didn’t expect you.”

“Yeah, sorry about that, shoulda’ called. I was just on the road and figured I’d stop by.”

“Thank you,” Cas said. His voice was sincere, but his eyes still roved Dean’s face in concern.

“Hey, can we… talk?” Dean said, gesturing over his shoulder toward the door.

“Yes.”

Cas walked over to the girl at the register and quietly informed her that he needed to take his break early. He then came back to Dean, and they both headed outside together.

“Who is that?” Cas asked, seeing June sitting in the Impala - oblivious to Cas’s scrutiny, as her eyes were still glued to her phone. “Where’s Sam?”

“Sam’s back at the bunker, safe,” Dean said, leading Cas away from the Impala, around to the side of the store where fewer eyes would be on them as they talked. “And that’s… well, she’s helping me out with something. Just a temporary thing.”

“She looked very familiar somehow.”

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, she looks like the face you see in the mirror every day.”

Cas looked unconvinced, but dropped it.

“How’ve you been?” Dean asked. It was good for his heart, seeing Cas again. He was glad he’d made this side trip. Cas looked good, healthy. Even if he was dirt poor and newly human, it seemed like maybe Cas was doing okay. It was a burden off his mind, and made the idea of not being around anymore to help Cas seem a little more bearable.

“I’m fine,” Cas said, his eyes growing increasingly suspicious. “Dean, why are you here? You didn’t come all this way just to ask the general state of my life. You look the way you did when you were preparing to say yes to Michael.”

“Wow,” Dean said with a weak half-laugh. “That’s, uh… I didn’t think I was that… transparent.”

“I know you,” Cas said gravely.

“I guess you do.”

Dean rubbed a hand through his hair, trying to figure out how on Earth he could respond to Cas’s accusation. His mind warred with the idea, half of him wanting desperately to tell Cas everything, and the rest frantically trying to come up with a reasonable sounding lie.

Cas watched him silently, his gaze patient and penetrating.

 _I miss you, I miss you, I miss you,_ Dean’s heart said.

“I’m going back to Purgatory,” Dean blurted out.

Cas gave a single nod, and waited for Dean to continue.

“Benny sacrificed himself to get Sam and Bobby out. I need to go back for him. He doesn’t deserve to be stuck there on account of me.”

“Is she the one helping you get back to Purgatory?”

“Sort of,” Dean said evasively.

Cas narrowed his eyes.

“She’s taking me to the person who’s helping me. She’s just an escort. _Not that kind of escort,_ just, escorting me.”

Cas nodded. “I would like to come with you.”

“What?”

“If you’re going back to Purgatory, I would like to come with you. I’ve been there before too, and I know how to survive there. It’ll be easier than it was before, since I’m human now. I won’t attract as much attention as I did as an angel. It’s unsafe for a human to be there alone, so I think it would be wise if you went with back-up. Let me help you, Dean. Please.”

Dean stared at Cas, unsure how to react. He hadn’t expected this, although, he supposed in retrospect he should have.

His heart yearned to say yes. It desperately pleaded to say yes, to have Cas at his side again and never ever let him leave it. But the rest of him had no intention of exposing Cas to danger, of dragging him back into a place that could easily kill them both. It wanted to leave Cas here, safe, untouched by the hunting life. It was the part of Dean that didn’t care as much whether Dean ever walked out of Purgatory again or not.

“I’m surprised you’re not trying to talk me out of it,” Dean said, in lieu of a real answer. “You never did trust Benny.”

“There’s no point,” Cas said simply. “He’s your friend. I’ve seen you do even more for people you cared about less, many times already. It’s in your nature. I don’t think anything I could say would dissuade you.”

Dean nodded, appreciating the respect.

“Let me come with you,” Cas repeated, his voice firm and his eyes hard. “I want to help you. I want to be useful.”

Dean agonized another silent moment, wrestling with his conflicting urges. Finally, he spit out, “The girl, she’s a vampire. I’m working with vampires to get back in.”

Cas nodded his acceptance. “All the more reason you shouldn’t be doing this alone.”

“You’re okay with that? You’re willing to work with vampires with me?”

“Yes. I’ll work with them and help you rescue one, Dean. I trust your judgement, even if it is somewhat uncharacteristic.”

Dean laughed briefly in astonishment. “I really didn’t think you’d go that easy, Cas. Sam would be biting my head off right now.”

“I am not your brother. I understand why you’re doing this and I’ll follow you if you let me.”

Dean ached. “You put too much faith in me, Cas.”

“I disagree.”

“Okay,” Dean said on an unsteady exhalation of breath. “You wanna come, I could use the help.”

Cas smiled, and Dean had to look away from how warm it was.

“We need to get on the road now though, you okay with that?”

“I’ll tell my co-worker.”

Dean nodded, and followed Cas back around to the front of the building and waited for him by the Impala. Cas exchanged words briefly with the girl at the register and came back out.

“Guess I should introduce you to June,” Dean said, leading Cas over to the passenger side of the Impala.

“June…” Cas repeated thoughtfully.

Dean opened the passenger door, and June looked up at him.

“June, this is my friend. He’s coming along--”

“Jimmy!” June exclaimed, looking past Dean to see Cas. “Oh my God, Jimmy!”

She jumped out of the car and shoved past Dean to throw her arms around Cas’s neck and hug him tightly.

Cas stared at Dean over June’s head, looking anxious and unsure of how to handle the situation. Dean was similarly too shocked to immediately know what to do.

“We all thought you were dead!” June said, her voice cracking with emotion. “Ames told us you died!” She pulled back from Cas to look him in the eyes, and noticed the “Steve” nametag he wore. “My God,” she gasped. “Did you fake your own death?”

“Um…” Cas said awkwardly. “I… am not Jimmy. I’m sorry.”

June chuckled. “What’s with the voice?” she said, a little nervously, and looked back over at Dean for some reassurance as to what was going on.

“June… Jimmy… he was a vessel for an angel. _This_ angel,” Dean said.

“ _Steve?”_ June said incredulously. “The angel _Steve?”_

“My name is Castiel,” Cas said. “This is… just a false name.”

June stared at Cas, upset and disbelieving. “Are you serious?”

“You probably didn’t believe in vampires before you met one, either,” Dean said.

“How did you know Jimmy?” Cas asked.

“You’re - um, _he’s_ my brother. Is he… still in there? At all?”

“Sister…” Cas said softly. “Yes. That’s what I was feeling. Jimmy is gone. I'm sorry. He’s in Heaven now, but traces of him remain with me, in this body. Memories, proclivities, things that rubbed off on me due to prolonged close contact.”

June lifted a hand to press it against Cas’s face, which Cas allowed. It made Dean uncomfortable, although he didn’t know why.

“He grew up so much while I wasn’t looking,” she said sadly. “He… we didn’t tell him, about me. Mom and Dad told him I was dead. I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“We should get on the road,” Dean said, hoping to put a quick end to this uncomfortable moment.

“He was a good man whose sacrifice helped save many lives,” Cas said gently. “I’m certain he rests at the side of the Lord.”

“It’s so surreal,” June said, shaking her head. “You look exactly like my brother, but every time you talk I know you’re not him. And it’s not just the voice… your eyes… I can really tell that you’re not him.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas said sincerely.

Dean walked back around the Impala and opened his door, waiting for them to join him.

“We should go,” June said reluctantly, stepping back from Cas.

Cas nodded.

June looked over at the car and then back at Cas. “Maybe this'll sound strange, but would you be willing to sit in the back with me? So we can talk?”

Dean frowned.

“Of course,” Cas said, and opened the rear passenger door for June.

June smiled brightly at Cas and got into the car. Cas then went around to the driver’s side and got in behind Dean.

Dean wasn’t certain why this was irritating him so much, but he’d looked forward to having Cas in the front with him. It was irrational and it irritated him that it was irritating him. He gave a grumbly sigh, got into the driver’s seat, and drove away from the Gas ‘n Sip.

“So how’d you end up in Idaho?” June asked Cas.

Dean decided not to turn on the radio in favor of eavesdropping.

“I was hitchhiking,” Cas said. “I got dropped off there and by then I was very hungry and decided I needed to stop moving for a while.”

Dean clenched his jaw miserably.

“Why does an angel need to hitchhike?” June asked.

“I’m… not exactly an angel anymore,” Cas muttered. He sounded ashamed, which only made Dean even more upset. He was really hating this conversation, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn on the radio and stop listening.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m… human now. I lost my grace.”

“Why? What happened?”

“It’s… ‘a long story,’” Cas said, in the tone he used when he hoped he was correctly using something he’d heard someone else say.

“Well, it’s gonna be a really long car ride,” June smiled.

Cas hesitated, and Dean could tell he didn’t want to talk about it. Dean was just about to cut in to spare Cas but Cas started talking again.

“It was taken from me,” he said, sounding ashamed again. “I thought I was doing the right thing, and I was wrong. I was tricked, and lost my grace. And now I’m human.”

“Oh, you poor dear,” June said sadly.

In his rear view mirror, Dean could see June reach out and lay a comforting hand on Cas’s shoulder, which Cas blinked at but didn’t shy away from. Dean grit his teeth.

“How long have you been living in Idaho?”

“A bit over a month.”

“Are you staying with anyone? Or do you have your own place? An apartment or something?”

“No, nothing.”

“Nothing?” June repeated in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not staying with anyone, and I do not have my ‘own place.’ I stay at the gas station.”

Dean winced, hearing it again.

“What?” June gasped.

Dean looked up into the rear view again, to see Cas staring helplessly at June, unsure how to interpret the intensity of her reaction.

“You’re living in a gas station?” June said, her voice wobbling a little, tearful.

“Oh, it’s okay,” Cas assured her, “I’m reasonably sure my manager has already figured it out, and she doesn’t seem to mind. I sleep in the storage closet; it’s very out of the way.”

There was a missed beat in the conversation, where June simply stared at Cas, a hand clasped over her open mouth, eyes watery with the beginnings of tears.

“No, that’s not okay!” she finally managed to say, horrified.

“I don’t have anywhere else,” Cas said apologetically.

“No, no, that’s not what I mean,” June said hurriedly. “I mean it’s awful that you have nowhere else to go! You can’t keep living in a gas station. That’s horrible. You need a bed, a shower.”

Dean felt like the wretchedest creature on Earth. He agreed with June, and hated himself.

“It’s really alright,” Cas assured June. “My needs are very small.”

“You should come home,” June said seriously. “I mean, to our home, Jimmy’s home. I know you’re not my brother anymore, but I don’t care. If there’s even a speck of my brother in there, I can’t let him sleep on the floor of a closet in a gas station. That’s not right. And you’re an angel. I don’t care if you’ve lost your grace, an angel is an angel, and I won’t have an angel of God sleeping in a gas station, either. It’s not right. It’s practically blasphemous.”

“I’m not something holy,” Cas said in a small voice. “It’s no blasphemy, I promise you.”

There was a stretch of silence, where June studied Cas with sorrowful eyes, and Cas’s eyes remained cast down to the floorboard.

“My brother was the best person I ever met,” June said finally. “Mom and I used to joke that he’d be up for sainthood someday. He was kind and gentle and full of love. And if Jimmy thought you were worth giving up his life for, I trust his judgement. I believe you’re good, Castiel. Jimmy wouldn’t have invited you in if you weren’t.”

Cas looked up, into June’s eyes, and even just seeing him from the rearview mirror in quick glances, Dean could see the ancientness in his eyes. There were moments when, even though he was in a human body, you could clearly see that Cas was not human. Even though he was, to all outward appearances, some guy from Pontiac, Illinois, there were times when his angelic nature was somehow obvious.

Looking into June’s eyes just then, it was clear that Castiel was old, and heart-broken, and that he _loved_ humanity so very much. Not every angel was _good,_ in the true, deep sense of the word, but Cas? He actually was.

“That’s very kind of you to say, June,” Cas said quietly.

“Will you please come home? Mom and Dad are so old now, so maybe you could just let them think you’re Jimmy? They would be so happy to have him back.”

Something clicked in Dean’s head, and he hit his brakes and pulled off the interstate onto the shoulder right then and there. Grooves on the shoulder made a jarringly loud noise, frightening June and making her yelp out loud.

“What’s happening?” she cried out. “Is everything okay?”

Dean threw the car into park. “Alright,” he said angrily, twisting around to face June in the backseat. “I know what you’re doing, and it’s stopping right now.”

“What?” June exclaimed. “What’re you talking about?”

“This,” Dean said, gesturing between June and Cas, “this, ‘you trying to get Cas to move in with you’ thing. I know what you’re after, and I’m not going to let it happen.”

“Dean, what are you talking about?” Cas said.

“She feeds on her parents,” Dean said to Cas. “That’s where she gets her blood, ‘cause she doesn’t like to kill people. So she keeps it in the family, and the parents are getting old, gonna die soon. She needs a nice, young, healthy new source of blood PDQ.”

June gasped. “How dare you?” she said indignantly. “That is not what this is about! This poor soul is living in a _gas station._ Didn’t you say he’s your friend? What kind of friend are you, letting him live like that? I would never let a friend live like that, not when I have even an inch of open space under my own roof.”

Dean clenched his jaw at that, every word another knife in his heart.

“He wanted to,” Cas said, shocking Dean. Dean stared, wondering what Cas knew. “He’s a good man, June, don’t mistake him. It’s a very long story, and it wasn’t safe for me to be around Dean and his family.”

 _You’re my family, too,_ Dean’s heart protested weakly.

“Oh,” June said softly. “I’m sorry, Dean, that was thoughtless of me to say.”

Dean grunted and turned back around in his seat.

“And I think Jimmy would want me to help take care of his parents and his sister, if I could,” Cas said.

“That does _not_ include turning yourself into vampire food,” Dean said fiercely, whipping back around to face the back seat, pointing his finger in Cas’s face.

“I don’t think that’s your decision,” June said primly.

Dean turned a fiery gaze on June. “You touch him,” Dean said, his voice deadly low, “you die.”

“Dean,” Cas said admonishingly.

Dean turned his eyes back onto Cas. “Come sit up here with me,” he ordered.

Cas looked like he might argue, but then he just sighed and got out of the car to come around to the other side.

While Cas was outside, Dean looked at June again. “That angel is one of the only good things in my whole damn life,” Dean whispered warningly. “The Alpha warned you about me for a reason. Don’t test me.”

June shrank back into her seat, and Dean turned back around as Cas got into the front seat with him.

“Is he still in Pennsylvania?” Dean asked June, watching her from the rearview mirror.

“Yes,” she answered in a small voice.

“Good.” Dean put on his turn signal and started watching the road for an opening to pull back on. “You can chime in with directions when we get to Pennsylvania then.”

“How far away is Pennsylvania?” Cas asked curiously.

“Oh, probably at least a 24 hour drive from here, maybe more.”

“You don’t need to remain silent that entire time,” Cas said to June kindly.

Dean met her eyes in the rearview mirror in a way that distinctly said _Yes, you do._

“Thank you, Castiel,” June said quietly, and then took out her phone and busied herself with it.


	11. Chapter 11

Eventually, Dean hit his limit on driving without sleep, and stopped at a hotel for the night. He got June her own room, and split a double bed with Cas. Once they were settled in their rooms, he sat on his bed and finally read all the text messages waiting for him on his phone.

Sam, Kevin, and Charlie had all left him messages in various stages of concern and desperation, wanting to know where he was at and why he wasn’t answering his phone. Dean didn’t have the heart yet to try listening to the voicemails.

“Everything alright?” Cas asked, sitting across from Dean on his own bed.

“Yeah,” Dean muttered, scrolling through messages. He put the phone down on the nightstand and rubbed his hand across his eyes. “Just Sam checking in with me.”

Cas studied Dean, and Dean avoided meeting his eyes.

“I should give Sam a call,” Dean eventually said. “Stay here.”

Dean grabbed his phone and left the room, heading out to the parking lot for privacy.

Sam picked up after the first ring.

“Dean, where are you?”

“I’m in Idaho. I’m here visiting Cas.”

“...Oh. Well, why didn’t you say anything before you left? We were all pretty freaked out when we realized you disappeared, I mean, you’ve got an alpha on your scent.”

“Yeah, I know. I just… it’s not really my style, checking in before I leave the house.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Sam said, frustrated.

“I just wanted to come see Cas, okay? I don’t know. I’m fine though, so stop freaking out.”

“So why’s your GPS off?”

“First, because the Alpha was able to get my phone number out of my head, so I turned it off so he wouldn’t be able to find me. Second, stop stalking me like a possessive ex.”

Sam sighed, and Dean could clearly imagine the pissed off look on his face. It made him smile a little, and then miss Sam deeply. His smile faded.

“Try to relax, alright? I’ll be fine. I’m just going to hang out with Cas for a couple days, make sure he’s doing alright here, and then I’ll come right back. You just concentrate on getting better, those trials--”

“Yeah, yeah, the trials ‘really did a number on me.’ I know,” Sam interrupted.

“Just do what I tell you to, Sam,” Dean grouched.

“Come back soon, alright?” Sam asked quietly. “It’s safer in the bunker and we’d all feel better having you here.”

“Let me know if you guys make any more progress on the computer… thing,” Dean said, shifting the topic. He wanted Sam to get back to his Men of Letters business… get on with his life.

“Will do.”

“Sounds good. Later, Sammy,” Dean said, and hung up.

When Dean got back to his room, Cas was in the shower and had apparently taken Dean’s overnight bag into the bathroom with him. Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head but didn’t really mind. He would’ve shared his stuff with Cas anyway, but it was funny that Cas didn’t know enough to ask first.

Dean sat and turned on the TV, and ended up watching a rerun of Dr. Sexy, MD that he’d already seen before.

When Cas finally emerged from the bathroom, Dean’s eyes widened to see him wearing Dean’s own spare clothes. The jeans sat low on Cas’s hips, and the t-shirt was baggy on him.

“Nice clothes, Cas,” Dean joked, his voice faltering a little.

“They’re yours,” Cas informed him, bringing Dean’s bag back to the table Dean had left it on originally.

“I know that. It was a joke. Usually people ask before they take someone else’s things.”

“Oh. My apologies. I don’t have any clean clothes of my own with me and I saw that you had enough to share. I assumed you wouldn’t mind.”

“I, I don’t, just, ask first. It’s… I don’t know, it’s just what people do.”

“May I borrow your clothes, Dean?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine,” Dean said, waving the question away. “Better than that Gas ‘n Sip get-up.”

Cas sat down on the end of his bed and watched the TV. His head cocked speculatively as he watched the show. Dean hoped he wasn’t taking “how to be human” lessons from it.

It dawned on Dean slowly that Cas looked really, really good. His hair hung, wet and messy, over his forehead and ears in dark waves. Wearing Dean’s clothes, he looked like any number of Dean’s past sexual conquests the morning after, and the thought stuck in the forefront of his mind, a correlation that made him fidget uneasily.

“My turn,” Dean eventually said, and grabbed his overnight bag and headed to take a shower.

“The water pressure is disappointing,” Cas called after him sadly, still watching the TV.

 

 

* * *

The complimentary continental breakfast the following morning consisted of an underwhelming assortment of dry goods - cereals, bread for toast, some small muffins, and some overripe fruits. Dean and Cas stuffed themselves on it anyway, Dean managing to score the last chocolate muffin and some Apple Jacks cereal, while Cas eagerly partook of an orange, an apple and a banana - an enthusiasm for fruit which reminded Dean of Sam but which he decidedly did not share.

June was with them for breakfast, although she simply played on her phone rather than eat. When Dean and Cas returned to the booth from the buffet table, Cas sat across from Dean - next to June. It rankled Dean but he refused to try contemplating why.

“What’s that?” Cas asked as he peeled his orange, looking at June’s phone.

“Angry Birds, it’s a game,” June said, giving Cas a friendly smile. “Want to try it?”

“I can just watch you play,” Cas said charitably, not wanting to take away June’s game.

“Here, I’ll show you how it works,” she said, scooting closer to Cas so he could see the screen better. “See, these pigs stole these birds’ eggs…”

“That’s awful,” Cas said, his brow furrowing.

“Well, that’s why they’re angry,” June chuckled. “And that’s the point of the game, to help them get their eggs back.”

“Good. I dislike anyone stealing the eggs of birds.”

“Do you get angry when humans eat eggs?” June asked with a laugh, assuming Cas had not made the connection between the two.

“Yes,” Cas said seriously.

“Oh,” she said, sobering immediately.

Dean made a mental note not to eat eggs in front of Cas anymore. And maybe not any kind of poultry meat either, just to be safe.

“Well, maybe you’ll like this game, it’s revenge for the birds,” June said hopefully.

“Yes, that might be nice,” Cas smiled, eating an orange segment.

“I’m gonna get some coffee,” Dean said, tired of watching June and Cas off in their own little conversation from which he was utterly excluded. Cas looked up and watched him as he left the booth, which was gratifying somehow.

 

 

* * *

The sun was high in a clear, blue sky, and I-80 stretched long and mostly empty in front of the Impala. June had curled up in the back seat with her cardigan over her head like a blanket to sleep out the brightest part of the day, and Dean had his window down and the radio up. The wind was rough against his face and it felt good. He lifted his voice and sang along with the radio, enjoying the moment.

There was a freedom to the open road that soothed Dean’s heart. The Impala eating up the pavement made him feel like he could go anywhere in the world if he wanted to, and all his troubles seemed far away. All that existed in that moment was sun on the arm propped on his open window, a strong breeze, good music, and one of his best friends at his side.

Cas, in Dean’s jeans and t-shirt, hair whipped wild by the wind, was looking especially human. Even though he should have been feeling sad that Cas lost his grace, or upset that Cas didn’t have incredibly useful superpowers, Dean found he couldn’t help kind of liking Cas as a human.

“How’re you liking being human?” Dean asked.

“Better, now,” Cas said, giving Dean a warm smile that was mostly in his eyes.

“Good,” Dean smiled back, nodding. He sighed and looked back out at the road. “I wanted you to have a good life,” Dean said, his tone apologetic. “I wanted you to get to enjoy being human.”

“I’m enjoying this,” Cas said.

Dean gave a soft chuckle and nodded. “Yeah. This kinda thing… it’s always been one of my favorite parts of being alive, too.”

Dean could feel Cas staring, studying him, but he didn’t mind. He was used to it. It was so familiar it was sort of comforting. He just went back to singing and avoided contemplating how this might be his last really good drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [visual reference for this chapter](http://rottingtrees.tumblr.com/post/63791930879/) ^_~


	12. Chapter 12

June started giving Dean directions once they needed to exit the interstate, but by that time Dean no longer needed them. The Alpha was close, close enough that he’d managed to restore his connection to Dean. Dean could already see the path that lay between himself and the Alpha like a red ribbon drawing him down the road.

The end of the line was an old farm house, far removed from any major roads or neighbors. Dean parked next to a rusted out pickup truck.

Before he got out of the car, he stopped and looked at Cas. He was having second thoughts about letting him come along.

Cas returned his gaze, and June, sensing the atmosphere, got out of the car to wait outside.

“Thank you for letting me assist you with this, Dean,” Cas said, intuitively or coincidentally, Dean wasn’t sure.

Dean felt like there were a hundred different things he should say, at least one of which was clawing at the inside of his ribs with each anxious beat of his heart. Words wrestled to make their way up his throat, but none reached his voice.

He simply nodded, gave Castiel a heavy pat on the shoulder, and left the car. Cas followed after him.

He popped the trunk and started gathering weapons. June peered curiously over his shoulder.

“Here, take this,” Dean said, handing Cas a machete.

“I have my angel blade, that should be all that I require,” Cas said, pushing the machete away.

“Even better,” Dean nodded, threading the machete sheath onto his own belt.

June fidgeted nervously, eyeing Dean’s machete. “You’re not planning on… um…”

Dean turned cold eyes on her, fingers resting casually on the machete hilt. Looking at her, he could already feel in his muscles exactly how he would kill her where she stood, the step forward, the sweep of his arm that would unsheath the machete and cut her head from her neck in one fluid motion. He could drop her in the span of an eye blink. She was a vampire, and more importantly a vampire who’d dared to set its eyes on someone he cared about. Every muscle in his body hummed with eagerness, whispering _kill the monster._

June took a step back, not bothering to finish her question.

Dean kept his eyes locked on hers a moment longer, and then turned and walked to the house. Castiel and June followed him silently.

The front door was unlocked, and Dean let himself in. The interior of the house was dark, and when he tried a light switch, nothing happened. Either the bulbs were burned out, or the house had no power. Dean stood still a moment, letting his eyes adjust to the dark, and then carefully made his way through the house, seeking out a set of stairs he knew he’d find, leading into the basement where he knew the Alpha waited.

June quietly took Castiel’s hand, helping guide him in the dark. Cas said nothing, but gave her a smile of gratitude.

Dean found the door that opened to the basement stairs off of the kitchen. He made his way down them carefully, an instinctive prickle of fear raising the hair at the back of his neck at descending into a dark basement where he actually knew for a fact a monster waited.

A soft glow illuminated the far back corner of the basement. A hurricane lamp sat on an old milk crate, next to a large pile of bedsheets and blankets. Dean, Cas, and June all made their way to the lamp, and as they drew close, the sheets stirred, a charred black hand emerging to shove the blankets aside, revealing the Alpha’s similarly burned face.

“My children,” the Alpha said fondly, welcoming them. “Dean, June, come close, my dear ones.”

“...Kofi?” Cas said incredulously, staring at the Alpha.

“Who dares?” the Alpha shot back, eyes boring into Castiel fiercely. “Who are you? How do you know that name?”

“Dean,” Castiel said, voice low, “you don’t know what this creature is. We should not be here.”

The Alpha began to rise from the floor to his feet, white bedsheets still clutched tight around himself like a shroud. He took a deep breath, scenting the air.

“Who are you? Answer me,” he commanded. “What human could possibly know that name?”

“I saw the day you were created,” Castiel answered, holding the Alpha’s gaze unflinchingly. Dean admired his fearlessness but was starting to worry that it might get him killed.

“We wept the day Eve birthed you. We wept for you and for all of humanity. Kofi, progenitor of the first species formed outside of God’s will.”

The Alpha stared at Castiel, as did Dean and June.

“What _are_ you?” the Alpha said. “You smell human. How can you possibly know these things?”

“I was an angel once,” Castiel answered. “I’m human now.”

“What a good son you are, Dean,” the Alpha whispered lovingly, his eyes never leaving Castiel’s. “You’ve brought me just what I need.” He licked his lips, his dark brown eyes now glinting, orange and cat-like, in the dim glow of the oil lamp. “Come to me,” he said, holding a beckoning hand out toward Castiel.

Hesitantly, as if under duress, Castiel began to step closer.

“No, Cas, don’t look in his eyes!” Dean said, rushing over to grab him and stop him. “Don’t touch him,” Dean then said to the Alpha, “he’s not here for you, he’s here to help me in Purgatory.”

“I was burned by holy light,” the Alpha said, turning his gaze on Dean. “What might heal me if not the blood of an angel?”

Dean felt weak and shaky. He realized dimly that he’d stupidly looked the Alpha in the eyes. He stared into the Alpha’s mesmerizing amber eyes, heart pounding.

Gently, Castiel lifted a hand and covered Dean’s eyes. The warm, dry touch of Cas’s palm was at that moment the best sensation Dean had ever felt. He felt his strength return to his limbs as the Alpha’s hold on him ebbed away.

“You can’t have him,” Dean reiterated. “He’s with me. I need him. If you want my help, you’ll leave him to me.”

There was a long silence, and Dean hated this blindness but did not dare remove Cas’s hand.

“Very well,” the Alpha eventually said. Dean exhaled a breath he’d been holding in relief.  “But I am weak, and the spell I must work to open the door to Purgatory is very strenuous. I’ve fed only on small animals for days. If you will not allow me even a taste of your angel’s blood, will you offer a drink of your own?”

“No, Dean,” Castiel whispered.

Dean took hold of Cas’s wrist and lowered Cas’s hand away from his eyes. “It’s okay,” he whispered back, giving Cas a reassuring nod.

Castiel was shaking his head, but Dean stepped up to the Alpha regardless.

“Alright, but it better not be much, if you want me in fighting shape when I hit Purgatory,” Dean said firmly, holding out his wrist.

The Alpha took Dean’s wrist, but instead of lifting it to his mouth to drink, used it to yank Dean closer. Before Dean could react, the Alpha had his blanketed arms entangled around Dean, and the effect of his gaze kept Dean from putting up a fight. The Alpha tipped Dean’s jaw up, exposing his pale, lightly freckled neck.

Castiel started to rush forward, intending to stop this, but June grabbed him, and in a display of strength Castiel had not expected from her, pulled him forcefully away.

“June,” he said, staring at her, betrayed, trying to jerk free.

“Leave it,” she said sadly. “I can’t let you interfere.”

Castiel, agonized by his helplessness, turned his face from June back to Dean.

Dean felt the light scratch of the Alpha’s long claws against his face where the Alpha held his jaw. The Alpha’s arms were like steel around him, impossibly strong and inescapable. The effect of his gaze was wearing off the longer their eye contact was broken, and Dean was just beginning to be able to struggle when he felt the Alpha lean in close enough their bodies touched, and he felt the Alpha’s breath against the sensitive skin of his neck. The Alpha’s other hand came up to clutch the back of Dean’s neck, and the sensation of his claws pressing in ever so slightly shot through him like electricity.

He felt dizzy and weak and close to passing out as images started flickering through his mind. It was the Alpha, in a sharply tailored black suit, standing in a garden, a grove of Weeping Willows hazy behind him. He looked into Dean’s eyes and pointed, and when Dean followed the gesture, he saw a young, brown-haired girl in a white dress, and then again - twins. They stood together, holding hands, smiling.

The vision abruptly broke off as pain shot through Dean’s neck, jerking him back to reality. The Alpha licked the bite wound in long, slow strokes, lapping up the flowing blood. Dean shivered.

“Angel-blooded,” the Alpha murmured rapturously. “One true vessel of an archangel,” he said, knowledge taken while he was in Dean’s mind, giving him visions. “Beloved of God… perfect…”

“Stop,” Dean said hoarsely, trying to push the Alpha away. “Enough!”

The Alpha eventually complied and released Dean. His mouth and chin were smeared with blood, and he ran his tongue all around his lips, chasing every taste of Dean he could get. The blood was already affecting him, patches of charred skin falling away like ash to reveal glowingly healthy new flesh underneath.

“Alright, you strong enough to open the door now?” Dean huffed, a hand pressed against the wound on his neck.

“Yes,” the Alpha smiled, shrugging off the sheets he’d been wrapped in and brushing off the sleeves of his overcoat. “You may release him, June.”

Dean turned to see June taking her hands off of Cas and his blood boiled.

“I told her to hold him back so he wouldn’t interfere,” the Alpha said, sensing Dean’s rage. “There’s no need to harm her.”

June backed away from Castiel, watching Dean nervously.

“Are you alright, Dean?” Cas asked, stepping close and trying to get a look at Dean’s neck.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“The girls I showed you,” the Alpha said, “they are the ones you are returning to me from Purgatory. I know you’re doing this for your friend Benny, but you must bring those two as well. That is our bargain.”

Dean nodded.

“Their names are Doris and Agnes. Take this and say that their Father sent you,” the Alpha said, handing Dean a necklace with a cameo pendant. “They’ll know you speak the truth this way.”

Dean tucked the necklace into an interior pocket of his jacket and nodded again.

“Are you ready?” the Alpha asked, taking off his overcoat and rolling up his shirt sleeves.

Dean looked at Cas, who nodded, his face stoic and unreadable.

“Yeah,” Dean answered the Alpha, “we’re ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who enjoys little detail stuff, I used the name "Kofi" for the Alpha because it means "born on a Friday," and spn was airing on Fridays when the Alpha was first introduced. ^_^


	13. Chapter 13

Dean rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck, loosening the fight-tension from his tightly coiled muscles. Enormous dead wolves lay around him, some still twitching and frothing.  He wiped blood from his machete and re-sheathed it, whistling the few bars of “In the Hall of the Mountain King” that he knew. It was something Benny used to do, and he hoped that the sound might reach Benny’s ears and alert him to their presence.

Dean turned to find Castiel. Cas was scanning the woods around them, assuring himself that no more wolves waited in the shadows.

“Weird that this is all we’ve run into so far,” Dean called out to him. “Just a handful of wolves and we’ve been here at least a full day.”

“Yes. It is very strange,” Cas murmured, turning to face him. Dean saw a thick trail of blood oozing down one side of his face from his hairline.

“That yours or theirs?” Dean asked, his brow furrowed with concern.

Cas reached up and wiped at the blood. It didn’t come clean - rather, it just smeared messily across that half of his face. Cas blinked at the blood, rubbing it between his fingers.

“Not mine, I don’t think,” he said, frowning. “It’s… odd, not being able to tell.”

“Well, do you hurt anywhere?” Dean asked. He found it hard to stop staring at Cas. The bright, fresh blood streaked across his face like war paint made his blue eyes especially vivid. The red and blue stood out, jewel-like, in the muted surroundings of Purgatory.

“No, I’m fine,” Cas answered, eyes sweeping the trees again.

“Cas…” Dean started, a whole flood of words hammering in his chest.

Castiel met his gaze again. He was sharp-eyed like a hawk, alert to everything, his warrior nature fully engaged. He was fearsome and breath-taking, even in ratty jeans and a threadbare t-shirt.

“I…” Dean tried again, but the words dried up on his tongue.

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel asked, his head cocking slightly to the side as he stared at Dean, trying to puzzle out what was going on in Dean’s head.

“You said you’re a ‘soldier of God,’” Dean said, taking the easiest of the many things on his mind that he wanted to say. “So, you were just made for fighting? That’s it?”

“It was my primary function, yes.”

“So, what else?”

“I also functioned as a guardian when it was required of me.”

Dean processed that for a moment and then laughed. “Wait, are you saying you were a _guardian angel?_ I thought you specifically told me you weren’t a ‘perch on your shoulder’ kind of angel.”

“I said I was not here to perch on _your_ shoulder, specifically,” Cas snipped, looking irritated by Dean’s mockery.

“Oh, thanks, Cas, that’s nice. I’m glad I’m not good enough for a guardian angel to guard.”

“You already had a guardian angel, Dean. It was not my place.”

Dean blinked, momentarily stupefied. “Huh?”

Castiel just looked at him, above repeating himself.

“Who?”

“Uriel.”

Dean laughed heartily. “Oh god, that _figures_. That… wow. I got the angel who _hated_ humans. That really, really answers a lot of questions.”

“Uriel was the angel who presided over destinies. He was always assigned to those humans who had specific destinies to fulfil. He was assigned to you and your brother long before you were ever born. It was his job to ensure that your destinies could be properly fulfilled.”

“So basically I had an angel on my shoulder making sure I ended up in Hell? Why did you guys come in to get me if I was supposed to go and trigger the Apocalypse all along?”

“Perhaps Uriel did intend for you to go to Hell, Dean, I don’t know,” Castiel said helplessly. “But he was in the regiment dispatched to raise you, and fought as hard and risked as much as any of us.”

Dean grunted.

“So, he was Sam’s guardian angel, too?” Dean eventually asked.

“Yes. He watched over your entire lineage stretching all the way back to its inception. We did not know when the blood of Michael would be called upon, only that it was prophesied to eventually come to pass.”

“The _blood_ of Michael?”

Castiel gave a brief nod. “Nephylim are an abomination - angels are not meant to walk the earth as humans - but it was decided that Michael would need a vessel with which to face Lucifer. Thus, Michael begat a nephylim, and that nephylim was the progenitor of your line.”

“I’m _related_ to Michael?” Dean sputtered.

“Yes, that’s why you are capable of being his vessel. All true vessels are the descendants of nephylim.”

“Even Jimmy?”

“Yes.”

“So… does that mean you… _begat_ a nephylim?” Dean said with an amused eyebrow waggle.

“I - no,” Cas sputtered. “No, I told you, I… no. Never, until April. God rest her soul and forgive me my trespasses. I am not so powerful that I need a vessel of a specific line. I am capable of occupying any true vessel.”

Dean nodded. “So, doesn’t that mean Sam could’ve been Michael’s vessel, too?”

“Yes, but that was not intended by prophecy. Any angel could occupy your brother safely, there is no vessel more sound than the blood of Michael himself. But Michael was unwilling to go against the writ of prophecy, and Sam was intended for Lucifer.”

Dean frowned, every word Castiel spoke about his brother’s _destiny_ sour in his stomach.

“Shouldn’t there be _tons_ of people with Michael blood out there? I know how family trees work, they branch out like crazy.”

“Michael’s ‘tree’ was… carefully ‘pruned,’” Castiel said with a sad grimace. “He was very firm about it. Only that which was necessary for the prophecy to work its course would be allowed to walk the earth. All others were culled. It was abomination for the blood of Michael to pollute humanity in the first place. It was the task to which Uriel and the cupids were assigned.”

“So you mean you angelic dickheads have been _breeding_ my family basically _forever_ just so that you could use us for your shitty fucking prophecy someday?”

“Essentially, yes.”

“So, now that the prophecy’s been fulfilled, what happens to my family now?”

Castiel cast his eyes away with a pained expression. “I don’t think it necessary for you to know.”

“You said my family was being _culled_ down to only the necessary,” Dean said, stepping closer to Cas to force him to pay attention. “Are Sam and I no longer _necessary?”_

“No angel will kill you,” Castiel said, meeting Dean’s gaze again with fierce protectiveness in his eyes. He couldn’t hold Dean’s eyes, however, when he added, sadly, “But your line… will bear no fruit.”

“You mean… we’ll never have kids? Is that what you’re saying?”

“It will be prevented, or if not prevented, any children you produce will not live long enough to produce offspring of their own.”

“Jesus, is that why every girl Sam likes ends up dead?” Dean demanded, horrified.

“Not in every instance,” Cas said evasively.

“What about Ben?” Dean said in a panic.

“He is not of your blood.”

Dean wasn’t sure if he was happy to hear that or not.

“So basically, we can never have normal lives. Ever.”

“Michael’s bloodline must end with you and Sam. I… have hoped that you and Sam may find happiness in spite of it.”

“If we ever try to love somebody, you dicks are going to kill them off!” Dean shot back angrily.

“If no chance of children being born exists, there is no reason for Heaven to interfere,” Cas offered, his eyes sad and apologetic.

“Am I interruptin’ somethin’?” an amused voice drawled from among the trees.


	14. Chapter 14

“Benny!”

Dean crossed the small clearing to meet Benny at the treeline and throw an arm around his shoulder to slap his back in a quick half hug.

“‘S good to see ya, brother,” Benny smiled.

“Yeah, man, you too. Been too long,” Dean agreed, giving Benny another clap on the shoulder.

“Gotta ask, though. What’re ya’ll doin’ back? Wasn’t one go ‘round enough for ya?”

“Here to get your ass back out, Benny. You’re here because you saved my brother and a man who was damn near my father. I owe you another lift outta’ this place.”

Benny chuckled and took off his cap to run a hand through his hair. “Ah, Dean, brother, you shouldn’t’a done that. No need. I told you ‘fore I offered you that deal, I wasn’t feelin’ too comfortable back among the living.”

“C’mon, Benny, you didn’t give it a real chance.”

Benny smiled apologetically and shook his head. “Naw, I gave it a good run. Dean, you know, I’m havin’ even more fun this time around than I did last time I was here. I got a good little set-up here now. I’m, hell, I think I’m even _happy_ here these days.”

“That got anything to do with why there’s nothing here anymore? Cas and I’ve been here at least a whole day now, and this,” Dean said with a gesture at the dead wolves in the clearing, “is all we’ve run into the whole time.”

“Manner ‘a speakin’, yeah. Does got somethin’ to do with it,” Benny said with a grin, eyes twinkling. “You made quite the impression, last time you was here. There’s still just as many monsters roamin’ this place as last time you was here, Dean, but you ain’t seen ‘em ‘cause they’re _afraid_ of you.”

Dean just looked at Benny a moment, baffled. “ _What?”_

“You turned into quite the tantalizin’ story. I mean, you got lotsa’ folks here that ended up here directly ‘cause ‘a you. So you’ve already got this reputation. Then you show up in the one sacred place no human’s supposed to be able to go, and even here, home turf, nothin’ can stop you. And you’re goin’ on and on about this angel you’re huntin’. Monster’s start thinkin’ heaven itself is runnin’ from you, and you’re _chasin’ it down._ Word got ‘round you’ve even been to Hell and got back out. Not sure if I believe that one, but it sure sounds good. Dean Winchester, the hunter three realms of existence can’t stop. Damn right you ain’t seen hide nor hair of anything smarter than a damn dire wolf. Purgatory’s scared shitless of you.”

Cas gave a short chuckle, and Dean turned back to look at him. Cas just shrugged.

“What? It’s amusing.”

Dean sighed irritably and looked back at Benny.

“The bit about Hell is true, by the way,” Cas added.

Benny’s eyebrows raised and he gave Dean an impressed nod. “That right? I’ll be damned.”

Dean groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “So why do you look so smug about all this?”

“‘Cause word got ‘round that I was runnin’ with ya. Monsters figure if I’m bad enough that Dean Winchester won’t kill me but brings me over onto his team instead, I must be more’n they wanna tangle with. So I been livin’ like damn royalty. Here, take a look at this.” Benny pulled a necklace out of his shirt to show to Dean, a cameo pendant. “This is a token from the Queens themselves. Havin’ my favor is a _status symbol._ Helps ‘em keep the respect of the masses, if everything knows I’m on their side.”

Dean gave the cameo a hard look, pulled out the cameo necklace he carried, and dangled it for Benny to see.

“The _Queens?”_ he asked. “They aren’t twin little girls, by chance, are they?”

Benny stared first at the cameo and then at Dean. “You are one surprising son of a bitch, ya know that?” he said, astonished. “Maybe you are as scary as people say. Did you and the angel really take ‘em out?”

“No, we’re here to see them. We got this from somebody who knows them on the other side. Can you take us to them?”

Benny looked relieved and nodded. “Scared me there, brother. Sure, I’ll take ya to ‘em, long as ya tell me you ain’t here to kill ‘em.”

“We’re not. Promise.”

Benny nodded and tucked his necklace back inside his shirt. “Well, come on. Can’t wait to parade around lettin’ people see me runnin’ with ya again,” Benny said with a sly wink.

* * *

Benny whistled happily as they traveled through the endless forest, deep into one of the densely populated areas where monsters lived in something approaching peace. Benny lifted a hand in greeting now and then as they passed, to monsters who hid behind trees and rocks and shadows; monsters who stared in awe, fascination, fear, sometimes covetous envy.

“So… anybody gonna tell me why the angel smells like a human now?” Benny asked over his shoulder.

For a moment, no one said anything. Eventually, Dean answered, “Cas, that’s your call whether you want to explain it or not.”

Benny quirked an amused eyebrow at the pair of them.

“I’m human now,” Castiel muttered.

“I pretty much gathered that part,” Benny said with a wry grin. “How? Why?”

Benny watched as Castiel looked to Dean for direction.

“Do you really need his permission to answer questions?” Benny teased.

Dean groaned and Castiel skewered Benny with an awful glare. Benny laughed.

“Cas, I don’t give even half a crap what you tell Benny, alright? I’m not your boss or your mother.”

“Aww, baby bird imprinted on ya, Dean,” Benny cooed.

“I really dislike this man, Dean,” Castiel grumbled.

“Yeah, I know. I told you who I was coming here for and you signed on regardless, so you don’t get to complain about it.”

“I dislike you, too, kitten-face,” Benny said, winking at Castiel.

Castiel narrowed his eyes as if he wasn’t sure what Benny was getting at, but was pretty sure he didn’t like it.

“C’mon, darlin’, tell me your story,” Benny smiled.

“I… don’t have a story,” Castiel said, sounding strangely guilty about it. “Not yet. I was told to acquire one.” He grimaced at the last part.

Benny slowed his pace so he could walk closer to Cas, who’d been hanging back in the rear of their group. He studied Cas’s face, intrigued.

“Sounds like a story right there, friend,” Benny said. “Who told ya that? God?”

“No. I…” He stopped and looked up at Benny, and then back at Dean, again. The poor thing seemed desperate for leadership, some sort of reassurance that he wasn’t doing the wrong thing. Benny looked at Dean, too, just in time to catch him giving Castiel a look that said, “DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, I DON’T CARE.”

“Hey,” Benny said gently, putting a friendly hand on Castiel’s shoulder. From the corner of his eye he could see Dean giving him some sort of look, but Benny was focused on Cas. “Listen, I’m just a nosy kinda guy, and we ain’t been talkin’ for a while and I was gettin’ bored. And you pique my curiosity somethin’ awful, can’t say I’ve ever gotten to talk to somethin’ like you before. I ain’t tryin’ to pry into somethin’ I got no business pryin’ into though, so you don’t wanna answer my questions, that’s fine. Ain’t no skin off my hide. Just passin’ the time, makin’ conversation. Peace, brother?” Benny took his hand off Castiel’s shoulder and held it out for Cas to shake.

Castiel’s head tilted as he stared at Benny, like he was trying to get into Benny’s head.

“Damn but that ain’t the cutest thing,” Benny laughed. “Your lil baby bird is just adorable,” Benny said to Dean.

“He’s nothing of _mine_ ,” Dean shot back, rankled.

Benny blinked with surprise, and when he quickly looked back at Castiel, saw the former angel with open hurt on his face before he managed to reign his features back into a neutral expression.

“Ouch,” Benny murmured.

“Ugh… I mean, he’s my friend. You’re my friend, Cas. I didn’t mean it that harsh.”

“We should find the girls and leave as soon as possible,” Castiel said, his voice coolly pragmatic.

“Yeah, I agree,” Dean said, continuing off in the direction they’d been headed.


	15. Chapter 15

Dean could tell when they were drawing close to the Queens without Benny having to say anything. After having seen almost nothing since his arrival, now he saw creatures everywhere he looked. They all hovered and prowled from a distance, watching their trio with unnerving intensity. Dean’s skin prickled and his hands never drifted far from a weapon. _This_ was the Purgatory he remembered, and, disturbingly, the one he’d _missed_. Some dark part of him almost wished that one of those monsters, just one, would make a move.

Nothing did.

The forest opened into a clearing, and Dean couldn’t help a soft gasp as he took in the sight before him. The clearing was lined with Weeping Willow trees, and, jarringly incongruous with everything else he’d ever seen in Purgatory, wild roses grew in thick, thorny patches. Rough, asymmetrical benches of stone and log were set up in various places throughout the clearing. It reminded Dean so strongly of _the Garden,_ the one he’d seen so many times in visions, that he started toward it nearly in a daze, even though Benny and Cas had stopped and were hanging back. Benny grabbed his arm and hauled him back.

“Dean,” he hissed. “Don’t just go waltzin’ in there like that. You gotta’ be invited in.”

Dean blinked and shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Benny approached the clearing and bowed respectfully.

“Your Majesties,” he called out. “Benny Lafitte requests the honor of bringing two guests before you.”

There was a long pause, and then a girl’s voice answered, “Granted.”

Benny turned back and gestured for Dean and Cas to follow him into the clearing.

At the far end of the clearing, two thrones sat, made of enormous slabs of carved and stacked rock. Identical twins sat there, girls who appeared to be perhaps nine or ten, with brown hair and matching white hair bows and dresses. The thrones were close enough to each other that the girls could hold hands, and tall enough that their feet did not touch the ground. One swung her feet, making her seem even younger than her sweet face and lacy dress implied.

Dean approached the girls without thought for fear. Briefly, even his reason for being here at all was swept from his mind. His mind was flooded, memories he’d kept silent and far away, the stream of consciousness he’d shared with the Alpha those years ago. It wasn’t only pictures and sounds, but emotions as well - and when the Alpha had shown him these girls, it had been with profound love, pride, and protectiveness.

He was confused by it, perhaps something of the Alpha’s feelings remained buried in his mind after all these years, but somehow the sight of these girls, in person, in this unearthly garden, made him feel reverent.

“Your Majesties,” he murmured, bowing his head.

“What brings you here, Dean Winchester?” one of them said.

Dean looked back up at them, and then took the cameo out of his jacket pocket again to show them. One narrowed her eyes at it, perhaps angrily, and the other’s eyes widened with shock, and a touch of sadness.

“Father sent you?” the angry one said.

Dean nodded, putting the cameo back in his pocket. “I can get you out of here, back to life. I mean, sort of, you’d still be vampires. But back among the living.”

“Why on Earth would we want to do that?” the angry one laughed. The sad one gave her a look.

“Don’t look at me like that, Doris,” the angry one, who must then be Agnes, snapped.

“Look at what Father’s gone to to bring us back,” Doris said, her voice shy and sorrowful. “He must be so lonely. I told you he’d be lonely without us.”

“He existed just fine before he found us. I’m sure he’s fine now. And if he’s really that upset, he can just come and be with us here.”

Doris frowned and looked away, troubled.

“Dean Winchester,” Agnes said imperiously. “You can return and tell our Father that we are perfectly happy where we are, thank you very much, and that if he really misses us so terribly, he is welcome to join us here.”

“I think he’ll kill me if I say that,” Dean said honestly.

Doris looked upset and worried, but Agnes smirked, as though the idea amused her.

“That is not our problem,” Agnes said with a little shrug.

“I’ll go with you,” Doris said suddenly, letting go of Agnes’s hand.

“What?!” Agnes screeched.

“I miss Father,” Doris said quietly, running her fingers through the folds of her skirt. “And I hate it when he’s sad.”

“You can’t leave me! You can’t leave me! We’re sisters! And Purgatory needs us! I can’t do this without you!”

“Purgatory was still Purgatory before you showed up and declared yourselves monarchs. I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Dean said without thinking. Once the words had passed his lips, he internally cursed himself and wished fervently that he was less impulsive when he talked. If only Sam were here, he could have been the one doing the talking.

Agnes gave him a look that was so bright with rage and hatred that it actually frightened Dean a little. He could hear Cas behind him, moving closer.

“You know _nothing_ of Purgatory, _human_ ,” Agnes snarled. “This is _our_ home, and you will never know it the way we do, never _understand_ us. Purgatory always had a Queen, Dean Winchester, until _you_ took her! There were monsters there when you did it, they told us what happened. _You_ killed her.”

“You _what?”_ Benny whispered, slowly coming up beside Dean, staring. “Did you kill the Mother? It was _you?”_

Dean met Benny’s gaze, and the look Benny was giving him inspired the very first inkling of shame for what he’d done.

“I…” Dean muttered, no more words coming to him.

“The monsters were still weeping for their Queen when we arrived here,” Agnes went on. “The monsters need a Mother. My sister and I are the most beloved children of the first born son of the Mother of All, and we are strong enough and smart enough to rule. Purgatory needed us, and we answered her.”

“Do not tell us that Purgatory will be _fine_ without us,” Agnes snarled. “Like you know _anything_ at all!”

“Sister…” Doris pleaded quietly. “We can’t leave him alone like this. Father…”

Agnes stared at Doris, seething mad, and then turned her gaze back to Dean. “Alright then. Maybe we will come home with you. And then we can tell him ourselves all about what you did. How do you think Father will react when we tell him it was you?” Agnes smiled, the threat clear in her voice. “The monsters who saw it died, they told us here. I’m sure he doesn’t know, if he’s willing to make deals with you, if he even spoke a word to you rather than slaughter you on sight. You killed his _Mother_ , Dean Winchester, and I remember his _pain_. We all felt it when she died, but no one felt it the way our Father did. He _howled_.”

Dean’s skin was crawling. He was trapped. He felt Cas on his left; he’d made his way up close to stand at Dean’s side. And he felt Benny still looking at him on his right, a look on his face that hurt him, that made him fear that in this moment their friendship was over.

Agnes got a speculative look on her face. “Benny Lafitte,” she called imperiously.

“Yes, Your Majesty,” Benny answered, bowing his head.

“The monsters told us it had a brother.” Agnes pointed at Cas. “Is that its brother?”

Dean grit his teeth, biting back a growl of protectiveness. Unconsciously, he edged a little closer to Cas.

“No, Your Majesty. That’s, uh… just a buddy he brought to help him. Thought he’d hafta do a lot more fighting when he got back, I reckon.”

Agnes sulked, disappointed.

“You wanted to make a deal,” Cas said in a tone of sudden clarity. “You were going to let Doris go if you could take Dean’s brother from him in exchange.”

Dean stared at Cas, trying to will him to shut up. He didn’t need Cas in danger here, too.

“Clever,” Agnes smiled.

“I’m a tactician,” Cas replied. “I was a soldier. I’m valuable, that’s why Dean needs me.”

“What are you doing?” Dean hissed, his whole body going tense.

“Really?” Agnes said, intrigued.

“I’m sure you know how valuable a good tactician is, the Queens must have several at their disposal, especially when their claim to the throne is as open to challenge from Leviathians as yours must be. It would be a terrible blow, if Dean were to lose my talents.”

“You know about the Leviathians?” Agnes said, eyes sharp as a stalking cat, leaning forward in her throne.

“He’s full of shit,” Dean burst in, panicking. He could see where this was going and grabbed Cas’s arm, forcing him to look at him. He stared at him in horrified disbelief. “Tell them you’re full of shit, Cas,” he pleaded.

Unfortunately, this only solidified Cas’s play. Agnes looked positively delighted by Dean’s urgent desire to keep Cas to himself.

“I’m sorry,” Cas whispered, “for everything. I’m doing this for you.” He turned to look back at Agnes. “I know more about the Leviathians than perhaps anyone save God and themselves. They possessed me once, and I saw into their mind.”

“You are priceless beyond measure,” Agnes said, awed. “I offer you a deal then, Dean Winchester. You have three options.”

Dean felt numb with dread. His mind raced, trying to salvage how awfully wrong this had gone.

“One, you leave here with both Doris and I. The moment we are resurrected, I tell my Father what you did, and he kills you. Two, you leave here empty-handed, and my Father kills you for your failure. Three, you leave with Doris, and in exchange you give me your soldier. Father is hopefully satisfied with at least one of us coming back. And Doris is the nice one, she probably won’t tell Father about you killing our Mother. You live.”

“It’s okay, Dean,” Cas whispered. “Let me help you. It can’t make up for everything, but it’s at least something I can do.”

Cas walked up to Agnes and bowed. She grinned, and gestured at the ground beside her throne. Cas took his place there, going down to one knee and bowing his head. Agnes put a hand in his hair, petting him like a dog, and Cas allowed it.

Time slowed down. Dean was so enraged, he broke into a deadly calm. Everything went quiet, and he almost felt disembodied. He felt it to his core; he was prepared to kill every single thing he laid eye on.

It was almost a relief.

“Let me tell you something about those Leviathians you’re so afraid of,” Dean said in a low voice, eyes fixed on Agnes’s. “They don’t have a leader anymore. You wanna know why? I killed him.”

Agnes’s eyes widened.

“Is that true?” she demanded of Cas. She clenched her fist in his hair and yanked his head up.

Dean’s upper lip twitched in an aborted snarl. It was a terrible effort to hold himself still, to wait.

“Yes,” Cas answered, his voice even and respectful, despite the crude treatment. “I was there, I saw it myself.”

Agnes shoved Cas’s head back down and looked back at Dean, a new wariness in her eyes.

“There aren’t going to be any _deals_ ,” Dean said, taking a step toward Agnes.

Benny closed the gap between them with a hiss, intending to defend the Queens. Dean turned on him as fast as a blink, machete drawn.

“You back off, or I’ll end you where you stand,” Dean warned. “I came back for you and if you want out of here, I’ll still take you with me. That’s your call. Either way, I came back, I did right by you, and my debts to you are paid. Don’t push me.”

Benny’s fangs retracted, and he took a step back, eyeing Dean cautiously.

Dean turned back to Agnes. “You’re right. I killed the Mother of Monsters. And I killed the King of the Leviathans. If Purgatory’s got anything worse than them, I’d happily take a go at it. But it ain’t you, sister. I’m not scared of you, or anything you’ve got. And I’m not scared of your Daddy, either. I’ve taken on bigger and badder than him. If either of you wants out of here, you can come with me and I’ll take you back over to the other side. But I’m not bargaining for it, and I’m not gonna be _threatened_ by you. You stay or you come, your choice. But if you try to take what’s _mine,_ there’s not a thing in existence that’ll stop me from getting it back. That’s what I am, little girl. I don’t stop.”

Dean sheathed his machete. “Castiel. Get back over here,” he commanded.

Cas sighed, frustrated that Dean wouldn’t just do what he was told, even once, and stood to return to Dean’s side.

“And don’t you _ever_ leave me again,” Dean said fiercely.

Cas blinked at Dean, those big blue eyes that did funny things to Dean’s insides actually looking surprised.

Stupid angel. Why did he always get things wrong?

“Are either of you coming, or not?” Dean said gruffly to the Queens.

“I have to go,” Doris whispered, slipping down from her throne. “I’m sorry, sister. Father needs me.”

Agnes seethed but said nothing, watching Doris go.

“You coming, Benny?” Dean asked.

“Naw,” Benny said, hands in his pockets. “Sorry to have ya go to all the trouble, brother, but I gotta stay here. Queen’s gonna need me, ya know.”

Dean nodded once. “Take care, Benny.”

Benny tipped his hat to Dean.

Dean looked down at Doris, who met his gaze with forlorn eyes. He offered her his hand, and she took it gratefully, giving him a nervous smile.

“Let’s go, Your Majesty,” he said softly, and led her away.


	16. Chapter 16

During the long walk from the Queens’ clearing to where the rift had been the last time Dean had escaped Purgatory, Dean continued to hold Doris’s hand and Cas scouted a little way’s ahead. Dean kept a look-out for things beyond the trees, but his eyes kept drifting back to Cas and lingering there. He kept noticing the way the soft, thin cotton of his old t-shirt draped along the muscular curves of his back, or the way Cas’s legs filled his jeans out differently than when Dean wore them.

Cas had such nice legs…

Dean’s reverie was interrupted by running face-first into a low branch. He knocked himself briefly stupid, and staggered back a step, clutching his forehead.

“Dean!” Cas called out sharply, rushing to his side. “Are you alright?” he asked, looking all around for monsters he may have missed.

“Ugh,” Dean groaned, his embarrassment worse than the physical pain. “I’m fine, Cas. Just… ran into a branch.”

“You… what?” Cas said, perplexed and concerned.

“I was looking the other way, alright?” Dean snapped, rubbing his head. “I thought I heard something.”

“Oh.” Cas nodded, and gave their surroundings another intense scrutiny. “I don’t think there’s anything nearby at the moment, but my senses are… very limited, now.”

“Let’s just keep on,” Dean said, gesturing Cas forward. Cas nodded and walked ahead. Doris looked up at Dean hopefully with her big, sad eyes, and Dean obligingly held out a hand for her to hold.

Despite his efforts to get his head back in the game, Dean’s mind continued to wander. He was still trying to process all the things Cas had told him, about his “destiny” and his bloodline.

He was angry, but mostly at angels who were now dead or locked away, Uriel and Michael. He was upset at the way they’d meddled in his life, the lives of everyone who’d come before, and most of all he was angry on Sam’s behalf. But, looking at it closely, he found he wasn’t angry at Cas. It didn’t feel like something that was Cas’s fault. And here Cas was, ready to submit himself to being the pet of something so far beneath what he once was (in Dean’s mind, still was, even if he was human now), just to try to pay some sort of misguided penance to Dean for what angels had done.

Why did Cas always seem to think that the best way to do right by Dean was to go away?

Dean looked off to the side, and saw a monster watching them through the trees. When the monster saw Doris, he immediately dropped to one knee and bowed his head, and remained that way as they passed him by.

“They don’t know I’ve abandoned the throne, yet,” Doris said, having also seen the monster.

“It’d be nice if word didn’t spread till we’re back on the other side,” Dean responded.

Some time passed, all of them hiking silently through the woods, before Cas suddenly stilled in his tracks, angel blade drawn, sharp eyes trained skyward.

“What is it, Cas?” Dean asked, taking his cue and drawing his machete. He looked up, and for a moment saw nothing past the treetops.

Then his jaw dropped.

“Well, fuck me,” he muttered. “I’ve even fought them before and this still doesn’t feel real.”

An enormous black dragon circled them far above the tree tops. For one moment, Dean had it in his sights, and then it suddenly disappeared.

“Shit, we better run, Cas,” Dean said urgently, tugging Doris along. “I’m not sure we stand a chance against that thing.”

The three of them broke into a run, dodging through the trees, but only made it a short distance before the dragon touched down with a thunderous boom just ahead of them. Its wings were tucked tightly against its body to help it fit between the trees, and its tail swished in a slow, predatory way behind it, occasionally knocking loudly into a tree. Its head was held low and its jaw hung slightly open, all its awful teeth plainly visible, making it look a little like a crocodile preparing to snap.

“Are you in danger, Your Majesty?” a deep voice like falling rocks emanated from the dragon despite its jaw not moving. Its glowing yellow eyes flicked between the three of them.

Doris stepped forward, past Dean and Cas.

“Doris, wait!” Dean hissed, but Doris ignored him.

The dragon closed its eyes and bowed its head to the little girl, nose to the ground, when Doris approached. Dean was awestruck by the sight.

“I’m safe and well,” Doris replied, her voice warm with gratitude for her loyal subject. “These two are escorting me at my request. You may be on your way.”

“My apologies, Your Majesty,” the dragon rumbled.

“I appreciate your vigilance,” Doris said.

The dragon opened its eyes to give Dean and Cas one last scorching look, and then leapt straight up through the trees. Its powerful wings created such a gust of hot air that it nearly pushed Dean back, and made tears spring to his eyes.

“Shall we continue?” Doris asked, holding her hand out to Dean expectantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short chapter, just because it's been so long since my last update that I wanted to get something up here. I hope to have the next chapter up soon, as well.


	17. Chapter 17

Dean clutched his arm to his chest, grimacing at the pain. The cut he’d made to admit Doris’s soul had sealed shut as soon as he’d finished the spell, but the energy of her soul throbbed and burned from the inside. He was careful not to look, as the rippling of his flesh straining to contain the energy was sickening.

Up ahead of them, the rift gaped open, already trying to suck them out and back to where they belonged.

The sight of it hammered Dean with memories of the last time he and Cas had done this. It was an excruciating memory.

“Cas?” Dean called, raising his voice to be heard over the howling of the rift. “Go first.”

Cas looked at him, his blue-eyed gaze piercing. “Why?”

“Just because, alright?” Dean snapped.

“I will not allow you to stay behind, Dean,” Castiel said, his voice powerful and absolute. Even human, Cas could be fearsomely angelic when he wanted to.

“What?” Dean shot back, startled, wondering what Cas knew, _how_ he could possibly know.

Cas grabbed Dean’s wrist. “Either I watch you go first or we go together at the same time.”

“Fine, same time, then,” Dean said, turning his hand in Cas’s grip so he could grab onto Cas’s wrist as well. “I’m not letting you stay behind either.”

Cas stared at Dean, but Dean ignored it and headed for the rift.

* * *

Being spit out of Purgatory was immensely disorienting, and both Cas and Dean pitched and stumbled, just barely keeping to their feet as they returned to Earth. Dean was just getting his bearings when he was hit with the vertigo that he now knew prefaced being overtaken by visions from the Alpha. He felt himself falling, and instinctively his arm flailed out and caught hold of Cas’s arm, trying to catch himself. He could hear Cas’s voice faintly, from far away, calling his name. He sounded worried.

**  
  
**

_The Alpha stood before him, so much taller than Dean knew him to be, his face gentle with profound relief and love._

_“Oh, precious child, you’re back, you’re finally back,” he breathed, dropping to one knee and extending his arms._

_Dean watched his arms reach for the Alpha, but they were the arms of a little girl. He rushed into the Alpha’s embrace, and felt the Alpha bury his face into the puffy shoulders of his dress._

_“I’m so sorry,” the Alpha whispered into the fabric of the dress. His voice was soft and broken with nearness to tears. “I’m so, so sorry. I’ll never let anything hurt you again.”_

_“It’s okay,” Dean heard himself answer, in a little girl's voice. “It’s not your fault. I love you.”_

_“I love you so much,” the Alpha sighed, squeezing Dean tighter. He simply held Dean close for a long time, and to his surprise, Dean felt comforted rather than anxious._

_The Alpha eventually pulled away and looked him in the eyes. His eyes began to glow honey-orange, and went hazy and unfocused._

_“I see where you are,” he said. “I’ll show you a safe place to go. I’m sending someone now to fetch you to me. They will meet you there.”_

**  
  
**

“This way,” Dean murmured, and started walking.

* * *

Dean didn’t fully return to himself until he realized he was standing outside of a truck stop.

“Cas?” he called out, blinking at the glass doors.

“Yes, Dean?” Cas answered from his right.

Dean turned to him and sighed with relief. “I was kind of out of it there for a minute, wasn’t sure you were still here.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Cas assured him.

Dean tightened his jaw, trying to keep his emotions off his face. “Thanks,” was all he said. He then led Cas into the truck stop’s store.

“Lucky break, ending up at a nice truck stop,” Dean said, looking down at himself and at Cas, who looked like a serial killer with the flecks of dried blood still stuck on his face. “Sammy and I used to come to these places all the time whenever we were living out of the car and couldn’t afford a motel room.”

After haggling a bit with the woman at the counter, who initially insisted facilities were only for truckers, Dean was able to get keys for himself and Cas granting entry to the shower rooms. He also took advantage of the laundry machines, and after they’d showered, they waited with towels around their waists for their clothes to be finished washing and drying.

Freshly showered and laundered, Dean and Cas then wandered the aisles of the store. Dean amused himself by browsing the most horrendously kitschy things for sale, and even considered ironically purchasing a statuette of two wolves howling for Sam.

He was still trying to shake off the lingering emotional aftertaste of the vision he’d gotten from the Alpha. The depth of his love for Doris had shaken him. He didn’t know how to deal with it. The Alpha was a monster, the Father of every vampire on Earth, the progenitor of a whole species of creatures hunters hunted. And yet, Dean wasn’t sure he’d ever felt more unconditionally loved in his whole life than in that moment in which he’d gotten to feel like one of the Alpha’s children.

He was having a big problem reconciling that.

“Do you like it?” Cas asked, looking at the statuette still in Dean’s hands.

“Sort of,” Dean answered, turning it in his fingers. “I think Sam’d like it. Well, he’d think it was funny. Maybe. I don’t even know, sometimes I have no clue what that kid likes anymore.”

“He would like it if you did,” Cas said.

“What?”

“He admires you,” Cas said simply. “He tries to be like you. He would like it if he thought you liked it.”

“C’mon, he grew out of that when he was ten,” Dean scoffed.

“Not entirely.”

Dean stared at the statue, nervous that Cas was right.

“Do you like it?” Cas repeated.

“I don’t even know,” Dean muttered. “I was only thinking about Sam.”

Dean sighed and put the statuette down. He bought coffees for himself and Cas, and led them to a booth to sit and wait.

“Here, you might like some cream and sugar in it,” Dean said, passing Cas some packets.

When Cas went to take a drink, Dean waved a hand to stop him. “It’s probably still too hot, let it cool down for a minute.”

“Oh. Thank you,” Cas smiled.

Dean stared out the window, hugging the arm that ached with the force of Doris's soul against his stomach, lost in thought.


	18. Chapter 18

Dean recognized the rusty old pickup truck as it pulled into the parking lot. It was the one that had been sitting outside the farmhouse the Alpha was hiding in. June stepped out of it, and Dean stood up from the booth, motioning for Cas to follow. Together, they met her in the parking lot.

“The Alpha’s in a new location,” June said, jingling the truck keys nervously in her hand. “I’ll take you to him.”

June hesitated, chewing her lip, and then held out the keys. “You wanna drive?” she asked Dean. “I can just give directions when you need them.”

“Sure,” Dean said, taking the keys. He could see the gesture for what it was. June didn’t appear to mind driving, but rather seemed to want to pacify Dean by giving him something he’d want. He appreciated the gesture, even if he was still suspicious of June’s motives toward Cas.

June and Cas both went to the passenger side door.

“Do you mind sitting in the middle?” June whispered to Cas.

“No, I don’t mind,” he smiled at her, and got in first.

At first, Dean was glad. But things quickly got awkward when it came time to figure out how to configure Cas’s legs as concerned the placement of the gear shift.

“Alright, buddy, don’t make this weird, but you’re gonna have to put one foot in either footwell,” Dean said. “Gear shift needs to be between your knees for me to have enough room to shift.”

“Okay,” Cas said, clearly failing to see any weirdness whatsoever.

Then Dean had to reach between his legs to operate the gear shift.

“Oh,” Cas said softly, staring.

“Damn it, I said don’t make it weird,” Dean growled, pulling out of the parking lot.

June giggled.

“Not helping,” Dean grumbled at her, but without any real heat. Even he could appreciate that if he were in her shoes, he’d probably have laughed too.

“Sorry,” she said, suppressing a smile. “Go left out of the parking lot.”

* * *

The ride had been more or less comfortably silent for a while when June whispered to Cas, “I’m glad you made it back safe.”

“Thank you,” he smiled at her.

“Could you tell me what it’s like? Purgatory?”

Cas sighed, considering what to say. Dean’s ears perked, intrigued to hear what Cas’s viewpoint on it would be.

“Purgatory is… chaotic,” he eventually said. “It feels like creation left wild and unguided. It feels awful, a place abandoned by God. It’s like Hell that way. Heaven is very ordered. You can feel the conscious design of God in everything. Heaven is like a song being sung to God - Purgatory is just noise.”

June nodded pensively. “...Do monsters ever get to go to Heaven?” she eventually asked, voice timid. “Will I ever see my brother again?”

June’s question spiked right through Dean’s heart. It was plaintive and so sorrowful. He could hear Sam asking the same thing, if Dean allowed himself to be turned, and ended up in Purgatory forever.

“Yes, sometimes monsters join us in Heaven,” Cas assured her. “Most monsters have human souls, as you do. I don’t know anything exact - it’s the work of our Father, and beyond my simple understanding - but I do know that I have seen souls who were once in Purgatory entering the gates of Heaven.”

“Oh, thank the Lord,” June sighed, clutching the gold cross on her necklace. “Thank you, Castiel. It means so much to me to know that.”

From the corner of his eye, Dean saw Cas reach out and take hold of her hand. It was a comforting gesture that Dean hadn’t expected of Cas. It bothered him slightly.

“Do you miss Heaven?” June asked quietly.

Another question that Dean was anxious to know the answer to, but had been unwilling to ask. He was torn between being grateful to have June here to ask those questions where he could hear them, and irritated that June was taking such liberties.

“Yes and no,” Castiel eventually answered, after giving it a long pause of thought. “There is so much to being human that I don’t understand. I was thrust into this life unnaturally, without the benefit of being born into it, and having parents to teach me how to be human. I make so many mistakes, and humiliation, I’ve found, is much worse to endure as a human emotion. It’s so… vivid.”

Dean’s heart hurt. He’d wanted so badly to get to teach Cas all those things he needed to know. Why had everything gone so wrong?

 _Oh right,_ Dean thought miserably. _Because I’m the one who screwed everything up._

Soon, he hoped, Ezekiel would finish his work healing Sam. And then Cas could come back to the bunker, and everything would be okay.

“But, despite the difficulties I face adapting, there are things I appreciate about being human. There are so many things I want to experience and learn. Humans were created in God’s image. I feel I’m learning things about our Father I could never have understood had I only ever existed in angelic form. That is a blessing, I think.”

“I’m honored I got to meet you,” June said adoringly. “It’s such an unbelievable privilege to get to speak to an angel.”

Dean grunted. “Trust me, they’re not all as nice as Cas.”

“Am I nice?” Cas asked, looking over at Dean.

“Yeah,” Dean said, suddenly embarrassed, shifting his eyes away and gluing them to the road. “I mean, most of the time.”

“You’ve met other angels, too?” June asked, fascinated.

“Yeah. They’re generally dicks.”

June gasped, hand over her mouth. “Oh, you shouldn’t talk that way.”

“It’s okay, it’s sort of true,” Cas said.

June gave a little laugh of shock. She then grew thoughtful, and the truck was silent for a few moments, before she finally said, “I’m honored to have met you, too, Dean. You’re doing the Lord’s work, even if you do blaspheme while you do it.”

The praise made Dean feel like a fraud, and he waved her words away.

* * *

Dean was greatly relieved when they finally turned into a cemetery, their journey nearly over, as the pain in his arm had only grown more and more intense the closer they got. By the time they were nearing the cemetery, it was so distracting it was growing difficult to drive.

"I've been asked to remain outside," June said, her eyes unnervingly unfocused, presumably listening to the Alpha. "I'll stay here in the truck."

Dean nodded, and he and Cas left the truck and walked to a large mausoleum deep inside the cemetery grounds, partially obscured by weeping willow trees.

Inside the mausoleum, the Alpha stood beside a casket that had been removed from its housing and brought to the middle of the floor.

“Is Doris in that one?” Dean asked, clutching his arm and grimacing in pain.

“Yes, dear boy, here,” the Alpha said, quickly opening the coffin for him.

It was a coffin sized for a full-grown adult, which made the sight of Doris’s tiny corpse especially sad. Her dress was still in reasonably good repair, but her body was completely desiccated and shriveled. The fangs were extended and grotesquely exposed by the shrinking away of the skin on her face. The monstrosity of her corpse was a jarring contrast to how innocent she looked normally.

Dean drew his knife and cut his forearm, letting her essence spill out of his arm and onto her corpse. He spoke the words that would finish the spell, and immediately her body reformed itself. She sat up in the coffin, even her hair just right with its pretty white bow.

“Baby girl,” the Alpha exclaimed, grabbing her under the arms and sweeping her up out of the coffin and onto her feet on the floor. He dropped to one knee to be closer to her height and embraced her tightly. “Oh, sweet girl, I have you back.”

Doris wrapped her arms around the Alpha’s neck and hugged him. It struck Dean, this shy little girl who could command dragons and bring an Alpha to his knees.

The Alpha pulled back just enough to be able to look at Doris. He stroked a hand down her hair, smiling lovingly. “Your sister, she stayed behind?”

Doris nodded.

“I saw, in your memories,” the Alpha said. “You two… you did so well. I’m so proud of you. What amazing girls you are.”

“Father,” Doris said seriously. “Dean Winchester killed our Mother.”

Dean’s jaw dropped open and he was stupefied for just a heartbeat before his hand immediately found the machete on his belt. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cas reach for his blade, as well.

“I thought you were the good one,” Dean said hotly, glaring at Doris.

Doris turned her head to give Dean a look so hateful it took him aback and silenced him.

The Alpha sighed. “I know,” he said quietly.

“What?” both Doris and Dean said in unison.

“And you allow him to continue living?” Doris said, incredulous and furious. “He lives in your presence while our Mother is dead?”

“Dean Winchester was your brother once,” the Alpha said, voice soft and eyes sad. “My son. He rejected the blood, but the bond in my heart remains. I have seen into Dean, I know him as I know all my children. I learned it a year ago, when he brought another soul back from Purgatory just as he has brought you back to me. I was angry, yes, but just as I saw what he had done to the Mother, I saw all else as well. I know the secrets Dean Winchester carries in his heart, and because he is a son to me, and because I know him completely, I forgave him what he’d done.”

“How could you ever forgive something like that?” Doris demanded.

“It is just what Fathers do,” the Alpha answered. “We forgive our children when they do wrong, even when they hurt us.”

Dean stared at the Alpha, eyes wide, his heart clenched tight in his chest. Was it true? He’d never once felt like his birth father had forgiven him for the mistakes he’d made. How could a vampire forgive him for what might be the most terrible sin a person could ever commit against their species, when John Winchester couldn’t forgive a ten year old boy for leaving his brother unattended for an hour?

It occurred to him that Bobby had forgiven him a whole lot of things, from the mundane to the truly serious fuck ups. Maybe this was the same sort of paternal love Bobby had always shown him. And maybe… maybe Bobby had been right about John being a shit dad after all.

"It's dangerous for your sister, isn't it?” the Alpha said to Doris. “Being there alone, trying to hold the position of Queen without you?"

Doris's eyes widened.

“I know what you’re trying to do,” the Alpha said gently, his hand on Doris’s shoulder. “I saw it in your mind when you first crossed the veil. You wanted to bait me into attacking Dean, because you believe he would be able to kill us both. You wanted us all to be together in Purgatory.”

"I’m sorry, Father,” Doris whispered.

Through all the other things swirling at top speed through Dean’s head, he still managed to enjoy the ego boost that Doris took it as a forgone conclusion that he could take the Alpha if the Alpha attacked him.

“It’s alright,” the Alpha said comfortingly. “All I want is for the three of us to be together again, too. Wait for me, I will join you in only a moment.”

And just like that, so fast Dean had no chance to see it coming, the Alpha’s claws extended and he shoved his hand straight through Doris’s chest to rip out her heart. It happened so fast it didn’t even seem real. Blood poured from her chest as the Alpha withdrew his hand, and Doris dropped to the floor like a marionette whose strings had been cut. The Alpha laid her heart on the floor beside her, and stroked his bloody fingers sadly through her hair.

“I hope you felt no pain,” he whispered. “I’ll be with you soon.”

The Alpha stood and met eyes with Dean. Dean was still useless with shock.

“Come to me, Dean,” the Alpha said, extending his bloody hand. “I shall give you the gift I promised you, and then I will ask you to send me to my daughters.”


	19. Chapter 19

Dean stared at the Alpha’s hand, outstretched, inviting, blood slowly dripping from still extended claws. His mind was a maelstrom of conflicting urges, voices, and memories.

_Who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another… another vampire?_

_And here I am,_ Dean thought, _just what Sam was afraid of. Kid knows me too well._

 _Look at him,_ Dean told himself. The Alpha was a _monster_ , not some surrogate father with an easy answer to escape the pain.

 _Get back to the motel,_ John Winchester said. They were in a cemetery, and John was covered in gore. He extended a bloody hand toward Dean, handing him the motel room’s key. _Look after your brother. I’ll be back soon._

_Yes, sir._

John had been a _killer_. Dean had been just as much afraid of him as he’d respected him. He wasn’t even sure if he’d _loved_ his father. He’d just… obeyed him. Emulated him. Become the same kind of killing machine. The same kind of _monster_.

What _hypocrites_ they’d been.

Was it so wrong, to accept the kindness of a monster after all? The main difference between the Alpha and John Winchester was not that one was a murderer - they were both murderers. No, in this moment, this awful, awful moment, Dean thought that the main difference between the father of all vampires and his own father was that the Alpha actually seemed to love him.

He was so tired, so tired of fighting and trying to save people and always getting everything _wrong_. He was tired of screwing up, tired of letting people down, and most days, he just felt _empty_. Was it so wrong to just want it to be _over?_

All he had to do was say _yes_ , and the Alpha would take it out of his hands, finally, forever. There would be no going back, no fixes, no cures. He could finally say _I’m sorry Sammy, it’s over_ , and no one would be able to fault him for dying. None of them could argue that a vampire should be left alive. Not even Sam.

_When you die, do you want to go to Heaven? Or do you belong in Purgatory?_

If Heaven was like a voice raised in song, as Castiel described, then Purgatory was screaming and howling in the dark. And Dean knew which one he had inside.

_It’s where I belonged. I didn’t deserve to be out. I saw that clearly when I was there._

He closed his eyes, his breath catching at the sharp pain in his chest when his mind turned to thoughts of Cas. Cas was the one great question mark for which Dean had never had an answer. He opened his eyes and looked over at him.

 _I would never see him again,_ Dean warned himself.

* * *

Castiel stared, from Dean to the Alpha and back to Dean. Now that he was human, it took him longer to perceive and process things. This situation was especially difficult for him to decipher due to the intensity of his own new human emotions getting in the way.

Dean looked at him, and his eyes were haunted and desperate and full of hopelessness. The pieces finally fell into place, and Castiel understood.

He’d known from the moment Dean had shown up in the gas station that Dean intended to die. Cas had seen it before, and knew Dean all the way to his soul. He knew what it looked like, how it felt, when Dean had succumbed fully to his despair.

And now he understood, this was the way Dean had intended to do it.

“No,” Castiel said, putting himself between Dean and the Alpha and harshly shoving the Alpha’s outstretched hand away. “If you want to die, Kofi, we will kill you, but you will not harm Dean Winchester.”

The Alpha’s eyes brightened, their hue changing, and though Cas tried to look away, it was too late. He was already trapped.

“Step aside,” the Alpha commanded.

Cas tried to fight the compulsion as hard as he could. His body shook with the effort of it, but slowly his body obeyed the Alpha and moved in jerky steps over to the other side of the mausoleum.

“Say nothing,” the Alpha said, and Cas’s jaw clamped shut. “This does not concern you, angel. Dean’s fate is his own to decide, no one else’s.”

* * *

Dean felt it like physical pain, watching Cas be compelled against his will.

“No, stop,” he said, reaching out to grab the Alpha’s arm. “Leave him alone, don’t hurt Cas.”

The Alpha’s eyes dimmed. “I know,” he said, looking into Dean’s eyes in a weighted way. “It’s alright, Dean. I won’t hurt him. I know.”

Dean’s insides went cold with dread, wondering what the Alpha was implying. His jaw locked up tight, and he dropped his hand away from the Alpha’s arm, taking a step back.

“I have no agenda, Dean,” the Alpha said calmly. “I am about to leave this world. I offer you this choice not for personal gain, but as a gift to you. Do not allow the selfish wants of others to influence you. You have given them your whole life. You do not owe them your death, too. It is your own to decide.”

Guilt stabbed at Dean’s chest. Sam had tried to choose his death. But Dean had taken it away.

And it was that, awfulness exactly like that, that made Dean certain that Sam would be better off without him around, constantly getting him hurt and ruining his chances at living a good life. Or, to simply die the death he’d wanted.

 _Maybe he won’t get a “good life” regardless, with or without me here to mess it up,_ Dean then thought, remembering what Castiel had admitted to him about the angels, and their destinies.

 _I wish I just had someone to tell me what I should do,_ Dean thought, distraught. An image of his father crossed his mind, but he knew that John would offer no comfort. He would just demand to know why the hell Dean wasn’t with Sam right then, looking after him when he had come so close to death and still wasn’t 100%.

“What do you think I should do?” Dean broke down and whispered to the Alpha, pitifully reaching out to the nearest thing to a father he currently had.

“Join us in Purgatory,” the Alpha said, his deep voice low and soothing. “You are beloved family, and with the power my daughters have amassed, we will be able to ensure you never suffer, never want for anything. I would take care of you.”

The words struck a chord with Dean, and he felt pulled toward it at first, but then another voice in his mind bitterly warned him that this was the angle now. Having chosen to die did not clear the Alpha of any agenda. It only shifted his plans from this plane to the next.

“Dean,” Cas pleaded hoarsely.

Dean looked over at him, heart clenching at how desperate Cas sounded.

“I… I know it’s selfish,” Cas said sorrowfully. “I know, and I’m sorry. But I… Please, don’t do this. You said you needed me, once. I… need you, too.”

Dean stared.

“I need you, too, Dean,” Castiel begged.

The storm in Dean's mind went quiet.

“No, I don’t want this,” Dean said to the Alpha, taking another step back from him. “I can’t.”

The Alpha sighed with disappointment. “You always do this, Dean. You always put yourself aside for others. Not this time. You’ll thank me for this.”

Dean’s eyes widened as the Alpha instantly closed the space between them, clawed hands encircling his throat. His eyes glowed and his fangs extended.

“No!” Cas yelled.

“Stay back,” the Alpha snarled, turning his eyes on Cas.

Dean looked over at Cas, afraid to see him pinned in place by the Alpha’s words. But Cas had his eyes closed, angel blade in hand. The Alpha growled in irritation and lunged at him.

“No! Cas, look out!” Dean exclaimed.

He stared in horror as the Alpha drew back a clawed hand to slash at Cas. But in that same instant Cas reached out, brushing his fingers against the Alpha to solidly place his location, and then, eyes still closed, swung gracefully around the Alpha’s body. Once behind him, faster than even the Alpha could react to, Cas drew back and plunged his blade straight through the Alpha’s back and out the other side. The Alpha let out a gasp that bubbled as blood filled his lungs. Blue light flickered under his skin, the energy of the angel blade burning its way through his body, and the Alpha fell.

Cas opened his eyes and looked over at Dean.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“That… was amazing,” Dean said with a short, breathless laugh.

Cas gave a little smile.

“And you were worried about being a hunter just ‘cause you’re human. That was awesome, Cas.”

Cas stood a little taller and glowed under Dean’s praise.

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

Dean and Cas just looked at each other a moment. Dean eventually pulled his eyes away to look at the Alpha’s corpse, which was already shrivelling unnaturally, as though its ancientness was catching up to the flesh all at once.

“I’m a damn idiot,” Dean sighed. “I can’t believe I fell for his crap.”

“It would be difficult for any human to resist the sway of such a powerful creature, Dean,” Cas assured him sympathetically.

“Do you think it was _all_ crap?” Dean asked quietly, not really expecting an answer. He knelt next to the Alpha’s body, looking at his face. His heart felt heavy. “I just… I wonder if… Ugh.” He shook his head, unwilling to voice the rest of his thoughts, too ashamed.

“You wonder if he cared about you?” Cas finished for him.

Dean winced, hating how it sounded out loud, and that Cas could read his weakest and most humiliating secrets so easily.

“It just got under my skin,” he said dismissively, trying to brush it off and end the conversation.

“You're an easy person to love,” Cas said, missing Dean’s cue to drop it. “And you _were_ his kin, however short lived. He probably did care for you, in his own way. But the love of a creature like Kofi is destructive and seeks only to consume.”

Dean huffed bitterly. “Not much different from a human, then.”

Castiel said nothing.

Dean picked up the Alpha’s body, surprised at how light it had already become, and carried it over to the open, empty coffin from which he’d taken Doris’s body. He carefully laid the Alpha in it on his side. He then picked up Doris’s body and laid her in it with him so they faced one another. He then gently picked up Doris’s heart and placed it between them.

Dean looked at them for a long moment. He wasn’t sure why he felt so sad, looking at the dead father and daughter.

He was just preparing to close the lid of the coffin when June burst into the mausoleum, hair askew from having run all the way from where they’d left the truck parked.

“Father! What happened to Father?” she said frantically, looking from Dean to Cas, and then at the coffin. “Oh no,” she wailed, creeping up to the coffin with her hand clutched over her chest. “No, no, not Father, no…”

“He asked for death,” Cas said, coming up beside June. “I’m sorry.”

“What?” June said, looking up at Cas. “No, why would he leave us? This is one of the girls you were supposed to bring back from Purgatory, what happened?”

“The girls did not want to leave Purgatory,” Cas said. “He chose to join them there.”

June gaped, seeming conflicted between disbelief and trusting that an angel would not lie.

“Father, he… he protected me,” June whispered, going back to the coffin. “Other vampires… some of them… they’re awful. They frighten me. Like my sire. I can’t… I’m scared what it’ll be like now, without him here. They’ll have no one to answer to.”

June turned away from the coffin, her hand clutched over her mouth. Dean came up and closed the coffin. June winced at the soft clack as it closed.

“Dean,” she said, turning to face him, her voice weak and her eyes tearful. “I have to live long enough to take care of my parents until they die. But… but when they’re gone, could I… may I ask you a favor?”

“What?” Dean asked.

“Would you allow me to call you, so that you can come kill me?”

Dean blinked with surprise.

“I don’t want to live in this world without the Father here. And once my parents are gone, I won’t have anything left in this world that knows or cares that I exist. I hate being a monster. I want to be with my family again. Please, I think I’d… I’d really be grateful if it was you.”

Dean studied June’s eyes, pained at seeing such fear and despair in eyes so much like Cas’s.

“Yeah, of course, you can call me,” Dean said quietly. “I… I kind of hope you change your mind by then.”

June nodded silently, eyes on the floor, and walked out of the mausoleum, arms hugged tightly against her chest.

Dean watched her go, headed back through the cemetery toward the truck, and then turned toward Cas.

“Is what you told June true?” Dean asked quietly. “About some monsters going to Heaven?”

“June was scared. I wanted to ease her suffering.” Cas sighed, and then met Dean’s eyes grimly. “When humans want something, they lie.”

“You lied to her?” Dean repeated, shocked. “You made that all up, about seeing monsters entering the gates of Heaven?”

“There aren’t even literal gates, Dean. I don’t know if monsters ever make it to Heaven. If they do, their souls look human by the time they get there. It’s beyond my station to know the exact purpose and function of Purgatory, or the process by which souls are sorted. I was a soldier, my function was solely to understand and carry out orders.”

“That girl’s gonna _die_ thinking that maybe her soul is going to Heaven, and that maybe she’ll see her family again,” Dean said accusingly. “And all of that’s just a lie? She’s a devout girl who got turned against her will, who’s probably never hurt anybody! What’s the fairness in that?”

“I can’t answer that,” Cas said apologetically.

“My chances of going to Heaven, _mine_ , are better than _hers?_ That is so absolutely messed up, Cas. That's just _wrong_.”

“Is this why you wanted to condemn yourself to Purgatory by allowing yourself to be turned? You think you don’t deserve Heaven when you die?”

Dean turned away, not wanting to be confronted about it.

“I may not be much,” Castiel said seriously, “but I have existed for a very long time, and I have seen and done many things. Some of which have altered the very course of human history. And it would have been an honor and a privilege, had I remained an angel long enough, to escort your soul to Heaven when you die.”

Cas stepped past Dean toward the entrance of the mausoleum. “Perhaps you will never understand what that really means,” he said over his shoulder. “I will be with June in the truck. Join us when you’re done here.”

Castiel left Dean alone in the mausoleum, shaken by the weight of everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes taken from the show:  
> "Who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another… another vampire?"  
> -Sam, ep 8x23
> 
> "It’s where I belonged... I didn’t deserve to be out. And I saw that clearly when I was there."  
> -Castiel, ep 8x07


	20. Chapter 20

Dean walked back to the truck slowly, heart heavy and mind filled with too much to parse anything individually.

He could see Cas and June through the windows as he approached. They were huddled together, June tucked under Cas's arm like a fledgling under a wing, and Dean could see Cas was talking to her. He wished he could be there, too, invisible, hear comforting words even if they weren't for him.

After a few moments watching from a distance, Dean went to the driver's side and opened the door. They both looked up at him and for a moment he just looked back at them, struck by the picture the two of them made - brother and sister, fallen angel and god-fearing vampire. They were honestly beautiful, twin sets of big, blue eyes watching him closely.

“My car’s still at the farmhouse, right?” Dean asked, getting into the truck, voice deeply tired.

“Yes,” June answered quietly.

“Far from here?”

“Not very, it's fifteen, twenty minutes away.”

“Awesome.” Dean started the truck and headed out of the cemetery. He was unsettled by how lonely he felt, knowing that he’d need June’s help finding the farmhouse for lack of the Alpha’s guidance.

 

* * *

 

Cas yawned as they pulled into the gravel driveway leading to the farmhouse and the Impala. Dean found it strangely endearing, so foreign for Cas. He still wasn’t used to Cas's humanness.

It also brought his own exhaustion to the forefront of his mind. He glanced down at his watch. Quarter past four in the morning. The sun would be up in a few hours.

“We’re crashing here for the night,” Dean announced, parking the truck beside the Impala.

“Thank you,” June said. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to sleep out the daylight down in the basement. Maybe we could leave at next nightfall?”

“Yeah, I don’t mind,” Dean said. “Hell, I might sleep that long, too. I’m pretty wiped out.”

Dean grabbed a flashlight from the trunk of the impala, then the three of them went inside. June immediately made her way to the basement.

“Let’s see if there’s any beds in this place,” Dean said, making his way carefully through the dark house with the flashlight.

The first door Dean tried led to what appeared to be a master bedroom with a double bed. The room was dusty and cobwebbed, but the bed was still neatly made and a pair of reading glasses sat atop a book on the nightstand, the visible last touches of the house’s dead owner.

Dean tried the next door. It appeared to be a child’s room - it had a twin bed and a crate of toys in the corner.

“I’ll take this one, you can have the other one, Cas,” Dean said, offering the larger bed to Cas in an unspoken gesture of apology.

“Alright,” Cas said, turning back to the other room. Dean sighed, saddened that the gesture likely went unnoticed. Cas hadn’t sounded grateful at all.

Dean flipped off the flashlight and closed the door to the child’s room behind him. He stood still, waiting for his eyes to adjust. He was a grown man, and a highly trained monster killer, and yet being in a creepy abandoned farmhouse with no electricity in the dark still made him skittish. He supposed it was instinctive, human, to fear the dark no matter how well you knew it or how prepared you were to fight what may lie within it.

 _Human_.

Dean turned the flashlight back on, opened the door, and went back to the master bedroom, whose door was now closed. He took a breath, bracing himself, and knocked.

There was a pause, and then the sound of footsteps. The door opened, and Cas’s eyes shied away from the light, sensitive now after being in the darkness.

“Spooky in here, huh?” Dean said.

“That might be the word I was looking for,” Cas agreed.

“Can I come in here with you?”

Cas met Dean’s eyes in surprise, and then nodded, moving out of the way so Dean could enter.

Dean set the flashlight down on the nightstand and sat on the bed. Cas sat next to him.

“Do you get scared? Now that you’re human?”

“Yes. I was capable of fear before, as an angel, as well, but it was different. Human emotions are… intense.”

Dean nodded. “I thought maybe you’d be getting freaked out in here. It’s kinda scary in old abandoned houses in the dark, for anybody.”

“I’m glad it wasn’t just me, then,” Cas admitted.

Dean smiled. “I like you human,” he said softly. “It’s kinda nice. Being able to relate to you.”

“It’s nice for me, as well,” Cas murmured. “Being able to relate to you.”

After a long moment agonizing about it, Dean finally broke down and asked, “Want me to sleep in here tonight?”

“Yes,” Cas immediately answered.

“Okay,” Dean smiled.

Dean got up and tugged at Cas’s elbow to get him to stand as well so he could pull back the covers. Dean then took off his belt and shoes, and got into the bed. Cas followed Dean’s lead.

They laid in silence a while, and despite his exhaustion, Dean couldn’t seem to sleep.

“Musty and hot in here, mind if I open the window?” Dean asked.

“Please do.”

Dean chuckled softly as he got up and went to the window. It delighted him, Cas being uncomfortable. It was so human and normal.

It took some struggling, having gone unused for so long had resulted in the window sticking in place. But once it was finally open, a pleasant breeze flowed in.

“Even dead of night the breeze is still warm,” Dean griped. “Stupid summer. I hate being hot when I try to sleep.”

“I do wish this house had air conditioning,” Cas agreed.

“Or at least a fan.”

“Yes, that too.”

Dean got back in bed, smiling again. “I’ve never liked listening to someone complain this much before,” he said with a light laugh.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just great, you having… I don’t know… preferences. Things you like. Feelings. I like it, it’s awesome.”

“Oh,” Cas said thoughtfully.

“You probably have all sorts of _preferences_ now,” Dean mused out-loud, letting the sentence trail off in hopes Cas would pick up the lead.

“I do,” Cas answered, sounding bemused by it and failing to elaborate.

Dean’s eyes had adjusted to the dark, and he could just make out Cas’s face on the pillow beside his own. Cas was laying on his back, looking up at the ceiling as they talked. Dean studied his profile, his stubbled jaw, his full lips, his handsome nose, his long, dark eyelashes. It was a great profile. It was his favorite profile in the world.

Seeing it like this, up close, in bed beside him, Dean decided, was really great.

“Hey, Cas?” Dean said softly.

“Yes?” Cas asked, turning his head to look at Dean.

“I’m guessing you like girls. You know, Meg and that reaper and all…”

Cas grimaced at the mention of April but said nothing.

“Is that all you like?”

Cas squinted and cocked his head a bit in confusion. “Surely you know that I like you and your brother as well? I would hardly count Meg and April as the definitions of my ability to like… oh. Do you… you mean sexually?”

“Getting quicker on the uptake, too,” Dean teased fondly.

Cas stared at Dean, studying him with an intensity that made Dean’s skin heat up.

“I think… saying I like women is an oversimplification,” Cas said eventually, hawk-eyed gaze unwavering.

“So what else do you like, Cas?” Dean asked, voice low, just a little bit flirtatious.

Cas continued to stare into Dean’s eyes, trying so hard to see into them as deeply as he’d been able to before, and his breath quickened.

“You go first,” he said suddenly.

“I like girls, mostly,” Dean said, sliding closer to Cas.

“Mostly?” Cas whispered shakily.

Dean’s _seraph_ , this divine instrument of God’s holy wrath, this commander of heavenly armies, was _quaking_ and breathless and hanging off of Dean’s every word, his every slight movement. It made Dean feel powerful and _wanted_. He craved this, feeling wanted, especially after the way the Alpha had exploited that particular weakness so deftly, and left such a gnawing loneliness behind.

“There’s exceptions,” Dean purred, edging closer again, close enough he came to rest his face on the same pillow as Cas.

“Exceptions?” Cas repeated, swallowing.

“Mm-hmm,” Dean nodded, moistening his lips with his tongue. Satisfyingly, Cas stared at his lips and tongue when he did it.

Dean leaned up closer, putting his mouth up against Cas’s ear. “I like you,” he whispered, and he heard Cas’s breath catch and saw a shiver run down his body. “Tell me what you like, Cas.”

Cas turned onto his side to face Dean. “You,” he answered, and took Dean in his hands and kissed him.

Dean was so shocked he laughed softly against Cas’s lips, which made Cas whimper adoringly. Dean threw an arm over Cas and dragged him flush against his body, holding him snug. He kissed Cas back, sweet and thorough, forcing Cas to slow down. He nibbled and licked and teased, gently, slowly, and ran his hand up under Cas’s t-shirt, trailing his fingers up and down Cas’s back.

Cas arched under Dean’s touch, soft, rapturous noises shuddering past his lips.

Dean still felt like he was drowning under the weight of all the things that had gone wrong. He still felt the burden of saving the entire _world_ from the things he’d screwed up. His brother was still broken, one of the closest friends he’d ever had was still in Purgatory, and he was now three for three on dead father figures.

But there was someone Dean _loved_. Not just familial love, the kind of love that changes a person, gives them focus, gives them purpose, gives them a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

And even if he still didn’t feel like he deserved it, right here, right now, he was willing to take it.

Dean pulled his t-shirt off of Cas and tossed it to the floor. He ran his hands indulgently over every naked inch, memorizing Cas’s body, savoring every panted breath, every ripple and shiver of the muscles moving under the skin. He kissed his way up Cas’s neck, along his jaw, and pressed one gentle, reverent kiss to Cas’s temple. He closed his eyes and wished he could see inside Cas’s head, see the universe the way an angel saw it.

Cas tugged at Dean’s shirt, and Dean lifted his arms to let Cas remove it. Cas then gripped Dean’s shoulder, and Dean knew it was where the mark had once been, Cas’s hand print, and he bowed his head like a supplicant to press a kiss to Dean’s chest, right over his heart.

Dean sucked in a breath through his teeth and clenched his fingers in Cas's hair.

"Tell me what to do," Cas whispered against Dean's skin, pressing kisses to his chest. "Teach me."

Dean felt light-headed with joyful eagerness. "Yeah, I can do that," he smiled.

He'd wanted to be the one who got to teach Cas everything about being human. And after all the things he'd missed, all of Cas's firsts, it felt good to still have this.

 

* * *

 

Dean took his time road-tripping back to Nebraska, where they’d left June’s minivan at the outset of this tangled adventure. They stopped for food any time he or Cas got hungry and got real food someplace, not just gas station food. Dean wanted to introduce Cas to all his favorite diner foods. In Ohio they stopped at an IHOP, where Dean watched him breeze through a stack of pancakes topped with strawberries, bananas, and whipped cream (and watching Cas eat whipped cream was just as enjoyable as he’d thought it might be), and in Illinois, they stopped at a Steak ‘n Shake,  where Dean watched him struggle to drink a cookies and cream shake through a straw. (The cookie bits always clog the straw, and watching Cas fight to suck the straw clear was… delightful.)

In short, Dean crammed as much sneaky food porn into a single car ride as humanly possible. It was like all of the first dates they should have had, all crammed together.

He also couldn’t seem to shut up. He wasn’t sure what was getting into him, but every time they passed an exit that led somewhere that Dean had gone on a hunt, he had to tell Cas about it. And every time Dean saw a sign for a tourist trap he’d taken Sam to when they were younger, he had to tell Cas about it. And every time a song came on the radio that reminded Dean of something, he had to tell Cas the story. And Cas listened like every word out of Dean’s mouth was solid gold, which didn’t help Dean curb the chattiness.

He could’ve probably kept driving the whole way in one go, because he was high on this new… whatever it was… with Cas, but he decided to stop and get them a hotel a little over halfway through the trip, not long after the Steak ‘n Shake stop.

Because, hotel. With Cas.

And, well, June would be more comfortable sleeping the daylight out in a room instead of in the car. Yeah. That.

 

* * *

 

“You’re in luck,” Dean said, pulling into the Cubby’s parking lot. “Van’s still here. I was worried they mighta’ towed it by now.”

Dean parked next to the van and contemplated whether or not he was going to throw up.

“Thank you for the ride back,” June said.

“Wasn’t just gonna leave you in Pennsylvania,” Dean tossed out gruffly over his shoulder as he got out of the car. He concentrated on his breathing, trying to keep himself level.

June and Cas both got out of the Impala as well, both on the passenger side. Dean watched them over the roof of the car.

“Please, Castiel,” June said softly. “Let me take you home. I can’t get over the thought of you going back to that gas station floor.”

Cas sighed, and then looked up at Dean.

And there it was. The moment Dean had been refusing to prepare for, and now it was happening and it was just as awful as he’d feared. He wanted to cut himself open, spill his guts on the pavement, let the vultures come and rip him to scraps. It would be easier.

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean said, each word a knife tearing its way up his throat. “I… I can’t bring you back to the bunker. Not yet.”

Cas nodded. “I know.”

 _No, you don’t!_ Dean’s heart hammered wretchedly. _You think it’s because of_ you _, and it’s not. I wouldn’t care if every angel on Earth was pounding at our walls because you were there, we’d hold them off together! It’s just the_ one _… the one that’ll kill my brother if he leaves…_

“I shouldn’t--” Cas started saying to June.

“You should,” Dean cut in.

Cas and June both looked up at him, surprised.

Dean swallowed and continued. “You’ll be a lot more comfortable there,” he said, and it _hurt_ so fucking _bad_ but he didn’t let himself stop. “You know, bed. Air conditioning. A fan. Can’t be nice, sleeping in a closet.”

Cas bowed his head, eyes pensive.

“June,” Dean said. “Tell me you won’t feed off Cas.”

“I won’t,” June swore. “I still have my parents, I don’t need his blood.”

“I think you’ll be safe there, Cas,” Dean said, trying to sound encouraging through the agony. “And happier.”

Cas met Dean’s eyes again, studying them, trying to read him, and then nodded. “Alright.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” June smiled, throwing her arms around Cas to hug him.

Dean winced slightly but said nothing.

“Thank you for your hospitality, June,” Cas said.

“As far as I’m concerned, it’s your home, too,” she said. “I mean, a little piece of you is always gonna be Jimmy, and Jimmy and I grew up in that house. You’ll be staying in Jimmy’s old room.”

Cas nodded.

June took her keys out of her pocket. “Ready?”

“One moment,” Cas said. “Would you wait in the van?”

“Sure,” June said. “Goodbye, Dean,” she said with a wave.

Dean lifted a hand in farewell and watched her walk off to the minivan.

Cas came around to Dean’s side of the Impala. “My clothes are still in your duffel,” he said. “If you’d like, I can go in the store here and change.”

“Nah, keep those,” Dean said, gesturing with a glance at the clothes of Dean’s that Cas still wore. “Looks better on you.”

Cas smiled.

“Keep in touch. You’ve got my number.”

Cas nodded. “You should call me as well. Any time.”

There was an awkward pause, where all Dean could think was how much he _hated_ this, and how no words could ever possibly make this okay, and then Cas reached out, tugged him close, and kissed him, right there in the parking lot.

A little pained noise escaped Dean’s throat, and he kissed him back, the kind of kiss that says _don’t forget me_ and _I’m coming back for you_ and _I’m so fucking sorry_ and _I need you more than anything._

When they finally let go of each other, Cas’s lips were dark and his cheeks were pink and his hair was askew. Dean thought Cas should look like that forever.

“Take care, Cas,” Dean said softly.

“Goodbye, Dean,” Cas answered, and left to join June in the minivan.

Dean leaned against the Impala and watched them drive away.

 

* * *

 

He was going to tell Sam.

He was going to tell Sam everything. Zeke had had plenty of time by now. Surely Sam was strong enough to know the truth. It was time for Zeke to wrap this shit up and get out of his brother. It was time for things to be okay again.

He was going to tell Sam, and sure, he’d be pissed, but they’d work it out. And then Cas could come home, and everything would be okay.

Cas would make a great Man of Letters. And Kev and Charlie would love him.

He was going to tell Sam, and everything was going to be okay.


	21. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was meant to read like an addition to the season 9 timeline, so this epilogue ties the story back into the canon plot line. There's some dialog lifted directly from the end of episode 9x08, which is where this would tie back in. 9x08 was basically just a filler episode, so in my head I like to pretend that this story is what happened instead of that episode. lol.

Castiel laid in Jimmy Novak’s bed, staring up at the ceiling, and ached. This felt _wrong_. Everything about this moment felt _wrong_. He closed his eyes and envisioned the roads June had taken to bring him here, pictured the exits pointing toward Pontiac, Illinois, and reversed it in his mind, tried to visualize the steps that would take him from this bed, this house, this city, to where Dean was at this moment. Because this was _wrong_ , this wasn’t _home_. _Home_ was wherever Dean was.

His whole body was tense, buzzing with energy, ready to get up and walk out the door and fix this wrongness. _Just stand up. Just walk. We’ll find the way. We’ll get there eventually._

But Cas didn’t move.

He couldn’t be where Dean was, because he was a danger to Sam and Dean.

 _That’s how I fix this,_ Cas told himself. _I broke Heaven, I stranded all the angels, I made this mess. I have to fix it._

He would find Metatron. He would reverse the damage he’d done. He’d make things right again. He’d make Dean and Sam safe.

Then, maybe, he could be with Dean again. Be _happy_.

 

* * *

 

“Dean!” Sam exclaimed, jumping out of his chair and rushing toward the staircase. “Why don’t you ever answer your damn phone?”

Dean was about to make a snarky retort, but he was cut off by Sam grabbing him into a rib-crushing hug. He groaned as his air was squeezed out and patted Sam’s back.

“I told you I was just visiting Cas, what's your problem?" Dean said, pulling away.

"You've been gone over a week and you never answered any of my calls or texts," Sam answered. "And you've got an _Alpha_ after you?"

"We, uh... We took care of that," Dean said, shifty-eyed, knowing Sam would probably be pissed about being left out.

"You what now?"

"Cas and I, we tracked down the Alpha and finished him off. He was still weak from what Kevin did to him. Speaking of," Dean segued, latching onto a convenient change of topic, "where is the Geek Squad?"

“You did _what?”_ Sam hissed, ignoring the segue.

“The job needed done, so we did it,” Dean said.

“And you just _ditched_ me? Why the hell didn’t you bring me along? Or even tell me what you were doing? You just lied to my face about everything!”

Dean was just drawing breath to answer when Sam cut in. “And if you say ‘those trials took a lot out of you,’ so help me, I will _kick your ass_.”

Dean blinked, completely thrown from the well-worn grooves of his mental repertoire of responses for when Sam was angry.

He laughed. “You and I are so much alike sometimes,” he said fondly.

Sam glared, still waiting for an answer.

“I’m sorry, okay? I figured Cas and I could just take care of it. I’m sorry for not telling you or bringing you along, but it’s over now, so… just, relax.”

“I’m getting real sick of your lying and your bullshit, Dean,” Sam said, turning and walking back to where he’d been sitting before, when Dean first entered the bunker. He sat down and flipped through the pages of the book he’d been reading, not really seeing the words, just flipping the pages, trying to calm down.

Dean couldn’t really argue, so he just tried changing the subject again.

“So… you gonna tell me where Charlie and Kev are, or should I just start searching the bunker?”

"Charlie left a few days ago, she's got a job and a life to get back to. Kevin's crashed out in his room."

Dean checked his watch. "7:30 at night and the kid's already asleep?"

"He'll be up in a couple hours, he says he's doing a 'polyphasic' thing. I don't know, it's weird."

Dean nodded and sat down across from Sam.

“Sam… listen. I know you’re already pissed off about me lying to you, but… I’ve gotta come clean about something else, too.”

Sam looked up at Dean, brow furrowed.

“Those trials… they really did do a number on you, man. You… you were going to die.”

Sam stared, and Dean took a deep breath, steadying himself for what he was going to say next. Just as he started to say it, though, Sam’s eyes flashed blue - angel’s eyes.

“I wouldn’t do that, Dean,” Ezekiel warned.

“I’ve _got_ to tell him, this’s gone on long enough!”

“Your brother is not ready. If he ejects me, he will not make it.”

“Well, damn it, Zeke, how much longer have we gotta keep playing this?” Dean demanded fiercely.

“Not much longer.”

Dean dropped his eyes away and shook his head. How many times could he possibly be told to wait ‘just a little longer’? Every additional moment was an agony.

“I promise you that,” Ezekiel said softly.

Sam’s eyes flashed again as Ezekiel relinquished his hold, but Dean, head still hanging defeatedly, missed it.

“What?”

“What?” Dean shot back, still angry at Ezekiel.

“What were you going to say to me?” Sam prompted, still waiting for Dean to continue.

Dean swallowed nervously, now realizing Sam was back, and how close he sometimes came to blowing his cover by failing to notice the switch.

“Just… you were going to die, you know?” Dean said, mind racing to come up with another lie to cover his tracks. “And I… I really thought about doing something stupid. You know, make another deal or something. So just… I’m sorry about being overprotective, leaving you behind for this stuff, it’s just… you know, you scared me there. I thought I was gonna lose you. You pulling through… it was really by the skin of your teeth. And I don’t trust myself not to do… maybe… stuff you wouldn’t like… to keep you safe.”

Sam stared for a long moment, and Dean’s skin crawled under the scrutiny.

“Are you serious? You would’ve made another _deal?”_

“It… it crossed my mind.”

“...You didn’t, did you?”

“No! No, it… it didn’t come to that. Thankfully.”

Sam nodded.

“I’m pretty beat from the road. I’m gonna take a nap I think… maybe Kev’s onto something.”

Sam nodded again, and Dean retreated to his room.

He dropped his duffel and took off his belt and shoes. With a heavy sigh, he collapsed onto his bed, stared up at the ceiling, and ached.

Having shared a bed with Cas, his absence now felt _wrong_. Dean closed his eyes and envisioned the path that would take him from his bed to Pontiac, Illinois, roads branching across a map like arteries. He pulled open his nightstand drawer and grabbed the half-empty bottle of whiskey. He took a long swig, the whiskey warm in his throat, and prayed for sleep.


End file.
